Twas the day before Christmas, tears dripping on blouse,

Many hearts and souls breaking, yearning for their spouse;

Stockings were missing from where they hung last year,

In their place was a silence that brought on tears.

Lay down beside the empty spot in the bed,

The grief came upon them and filled up their head.

She snuggled in his sweatshirt and he in her knit,

The emptiness upon them felt like a pit.

The next morning they rose and what did they hear,

Their favorite carol which brought such endear;

The family they came and gave hugs and their cheer,

Wasn’t Christmas without them but family was near.

I went through the motions as thought was expected,

To recall the memories we had collected;

I missed them so, no celebration was wanted,

My home, my heart, and my soul all were haunted;

I pulled over twice on the way to Grandma’s,

I could not hold it together, felt so raw.

When I arrived at her house I felt no better,

Tried to hide my tears in the sleeve of my sweater.

They hugged me as if I would break into pieces,

Avoiding the mascara pooled in my eye creases.

I plastered on a smile as best as I knew how,

Not thinking of future only here and now.

Present in body but spirit gone missing,

Up with my husband eternity wishing.

I got home that evening and sunk in his chair,

Wondering why I was left of our wonderful pair.

I prayed in my soul that I would find solace,

My grief go away and he be made flawless.

I cried and I cried, no miracle happened,

Tissues thrown out with the ripped Christmas wrapping.

I drove to a place so I could feel more near him,

But felt farther away and memory dim.

The first Christmas without my dear husband was hard,

My heart felt of rubble, my dreams were all charred.

I walked and I walked and in time I grew weary,

My life seemed so empty, of toil and such dreary,

5 Christmases now and I still think upon,

But colors are back and each day a new dawn.

I miss him and cherish those times we created,

He left much too early, God could have waited.

But it is what it is, and I hate saying that,

Just this past week I tossed his favorite hat.

I make way in my life for new and for old,

Wondering what Christmases ahead will hold.

To each of you on this Christmas of empty,

Of this grief and this sorrow we will never be free.

Look one step ahead it may just be better,

You are on a journey that will cause quite a stir.

In your heart and your soul, restless now for sure,

This journey must be walked, for their is no cure.

Walk ahead as you’re able, with a friend if you can,

Kick out the demons that haunt you, entering banned.

Lets tears fall when they call and don’t be ashamed,

You’re a widow of love, for that you are named.

~B.L. Boitson 12/24/12

I never knew just how alone you could feel, despite being surrounded by your family friends, and several hundred people. But tonight, I now know. And I kinda of wish I didn’t. In a lot of ways, I wish I didn’t know it was Christmas eve, or that tomorrow was to be Christmas, because then I woudn’t feel the immensity of being alone with Kev on this joyous holiday. But it’s unavoidable, and he’s not here, and despite all those around me, it feels so very cold and alone.

Kev, you were ALWAYS the best Christmas present ever. I never needed anything more than you to hold on a day filled with such joy. And now you’re gone, what am I to do now with this?

I just don’t understand…and it hurts so terribly to be experiencing my first Christmas without you. I only got one Christmas with you to be married, and already it’s gone. It’s so bitter. Christmas feels so empty and solemn without you. Intead of celebrating the birth of my savior, I am mourning the death of you, my soulmate. I cannot understand God’s plan right now, and everytime I realize why it is I’m sitting somewhere alone, the desperation of this situation smacks me like a bullet.

So this is Christmas……

I miss you baby.

I heard this song tonight at LCBC’s christmas service..and for the life of me, I can’t remember the name, but it talks about eternity, life, death, and the beauty of salvation. And I cried..and it was beautiful.

I’m doing ok-I’m looking forward to Linda’s arrival later tomorrow night. She’ll be visiting for a week, so I may not be on here blogging as much as I usually am. I hope to have some FUN TIMES with her and to enjoy the holidays together.

The big announcement: I HAVE A JOB. IT’S OFFICIAL!

In Nov ’06 I took a job doing childcare and other household duties for family friend’s of ours. They had lost their mother/wife/grandmother, who cared for her grandchildren while her daughter worked. She passed from cancer..so just weeks after her passing, I took a job helping them.

I worked there for just under a year..and now…almost a year after leaving that position, I am going back to work taking care of the children again. It’s an unfortunate irony at our situations, but I think it’s a great move on both of our parts. I love the kids, they’re fun, and friendly, and full of energy and ZEST for life. It’s familiar, and comfortable, and it will be a great transition back to the workin world, part time. I don’t know how long I’ll do it for, but for now, it’s a great fit for both of us.

I am also looking into some other part time opportunities to supplement my part time hours doing childcare, and I think I have a possibility at a really great spot as well. God is working awesome things right now, and opening amazing doors.

I haven’t had much time to focus on novel writing, but I am still plugging away, only 6 pages in though . It’s hard to focus and just write. I have to be at a really good spot emotionally to push forward with the memories. It will come in time….

Wishing you all SAFE WONDERFUL travels and a wonderful Christmas holiday. Embrace those around you….and love beyond belief.

I find the job of weathermen interesting. They’re paid to study the weather and forecast the future. They put percen!tages on what may/may not occur, their warnings predictions…..and I really think that 75% of the time they’re wrong. Yet we still tune in every time we hear the word “snow, ice, etc” and pray that for once, they’re correct. Unless you really really hate snow…….but if you live here, you at least have to like it a LITTLE. It is magical when it occurs here, because so often we don’t end up getting hit by it. So…I was hoping for snow, I’ll admit. I’m not working, I have a 4wd vehicle….why WOULDN’T I want some snow to brighten up my day? But instead…it’s rain. Lots and lots of cold icky rain on a day I wanted to spend outside..now, I’m just drying off at Prince street cafe drinking my coffee, eating my breakfast (at 2pm I might add), and thinking…this sucks! This was supposed to be my fun central market/blogging/coffee day!

So last night stunk too. It was rough and raw and real. But by the time I was ready to fall asleep, I felt an odd calm. The realization that despite my grief, I really am going to be ok. That’s a really weird feeling. To feel such immense pain and loss, and yet, knowing you’re going to be ok. It feels completely surreal and unexpected. I can’t describe it, and many can’t imagine that feeling. It’s almost like being in this HORRIBLE car crash, and everything horrible that can happen, happens, but you’re still alive. And because you’re still alive, you feel blessed in an odd way, and know that you can survive this, if you survived that. It is just weird. It felt like Kevin was there telling me, its ok to be sad now Brenda, but you’re allowed to feel happy too. You are.

I don’t know how I feel about that. I am happy despite my grief….and sometimes I think, others don’t feel this way after they lose someone, why do I? All I can say is I feel that I’ve been given this amazing, awestruck gift. The short time in which I was able to enjoy Kevin in my life, left a lifelong lasting effect on my outlook. To have had someone like him in my life, even if just over 3 short years, has changed my life, my outlook, my perspective completely. He was my miracle. I can’t express to you all enough, that even though we prayed for a miracle everday for complete healing, his death was not us losing the miracle. It was just part of a plan bigger than all of us.

You don’t have to be christian, or jewish, or jehovah’s witness or any of those…you just have to have faith. I classify myself as christian, non denominational….or mainly, just a person of faith. I think it sounds much better, and people tend to hold you at a different level if you say that you’re a person of faith, rather than of religion. Anyways, that’s me off on a rabbit trail….the heart of the matter (oh geez, this post is all full of cliches!), is that life is about faith, love, heart, soul, adventure, spontaneity, passion, zest, heartache, destruction, irony, and pain….Our lives are a meshing of conflicting emotions every single second.

I have so many conflicting emotions about my life being gone. I think….why me? Who doesn’t ask that at least a few times in their life? I think…Kev, why aren’t you here, why aren’t I there? I believe in Miracles from heaven, yet know that my idea of a miracle is not always God’s. I know that praying for patience means you are going to be tried, and tried again. I know that these diseases are so destructive, and that someday, God may give someone the talents to cure them, and prevent them. I know that I have been given the GIFT (yes, read my wording carefully here, gift!) of a new life and that I don’t want to screw it up. I know that for as much love as I felt for Kev, that my pain is just as powerful. I believe that God only gives us as much as we can handle, and although I feel like I can’t handle this, somehow I am, and I am grateful that it’s me going through this, and not someone else who may be completely destroyed by this. I often think that Kevin taught me to love more than anyone/anything else, and he gave me so many gifts to use on others. I thank God for the gift of Kevin’s love and that I got this opportunity, unlike others. I think often, is this really happening?..and then reality hits and it levels me. I cry out of nowhere, and sob for the life I’ve lost. I dream of being happy again, and pray everyday that this hadn’t happened, yet knowing and acknowledging that God’s plans and purposes are so much bigger than my pain. I believe that God has not abandoned me, and although I struggle every second with my faith and my belief, I know that God is standing with me..that I am being held up by him and all of your strength, love and prayers.

I still believe, despite it all. I trust I will be brought through this, just as Kevin was brought from his pain and suffering into heaven. It doesn’t mean that the pain will cease, that my tears will dry up, or that my heart will be healed. I will always have the pain of my loss, I will be brought to tears for the rest of my life when I think of Kev, and my heart will always bear the scar of his death. But I will learn to cope, and I will learn to walk in the light, bearing my scars to the world.

Somehow, walking with my branded heart exposed to the world through this blog, and eventually through the novel, my journey will and is helping others. I am forever overjoyed by others telling me how inspiring our journey has been, how it has helped them in the trials of their lives. I am not naive to think I am the only one walking a painful journey. I know I am not alone, and I know that because I have seen and felt what I have, that others will be blessed through the sufferings of my journey. I know that one day I will be blessed by my pain.

My faith is true….it is not unfaltering, but it is true. I’m not here on a pedastal…I am at the feet of God crying out every day for my sufferings, for my pain, asking why and just asking to be held up amongst these rough waters. I stumble, and I’ve fallen. I’m crying and I’m sobbing. I’m pleading and screaming and burning up inside with rage and illness of heart. But my faith is true. And faith unquestioned is dull. Faith is my journey….

This bottom picture is my favorite. In fact, I think it was my favorite spot of the entire trip. It was this beautiful clip/rock area, and it was warm, wavy and breathtakingly beautiful. I felt happy there…

Tonight, not so much. I wanted to look at pictures of Kev, and decided to look back at my Facebook account picture of the GOOD times, the many wonderful times we had. And it saddened me. Not because I don’t cherish those times, but because I miss my life. I am mourning a life….not just a person. I am mourning the normalcy we created in our little West end apartment in Lancaster. I am mourning the nights that Kevin cooked an amazing dinner after a good workout, and we laughed watching a movie on the couch as our kitten Darrell would run wild all over the place.

I am mourning my life that is no longer. The life we created…not just the future, but what we had. The past 6 months, I feel like I can hardly remember them because it went so quickly. This horrifying disease, and how quickly it took the man I love. The man I continue to love so strongly and miss so infinitely.

I cherish those memories, and that we were able to create such happiness. But I miss him so much…….I miss my life. Why can’t I have it anymore?

This is the obituary for former co-worker’s daughter who passed unexpectedly on Tuesday. Please lift the Russoniello’s in your thoughts and prayers….

Elizabeth C. Russoniello

Elizabeth Christina “Liz” Russoniello, 20, of Lancaster, died unexpectedly Tuesday at Lancaster General Hospital. Born in Lancaster, PA, Liz was the daughter of Patrick J. and Janice (Evans) Russoniello.

Liz was a sophomore at Shippensburg University, where she was double majoring in English and Secondary Education. She was employed for three years by Giant at Lancaster Shopping Center as a cashier and checkout coach.

Liz graduated from St. Anne Parochial School in 2003, and was a 2007 graduate of Lancaster Catholic High School, where she was a member of the marching band color guard, and Writers Anonymous.

A member of St. John Neumann Catholic Church, Liz taught Religious Education during the 2006-07 school year.

Liz was a volunteer for Relay for life, Respect Life Group at LCHS, and North Museum. She enjoyed reading and writing. Liz was a generous, sweet, loving person, and was a big help around the home. She put everyone else before herself, and as a result of her being an organ donor, was able to help 5 people through the Gift of Life program. She was very proud that she bought her own car in November 2007.

In addition to her parents, Liz is survived by her brothers and sisters, Becky of Austin, TX, Patrick of Lancaster, Joanie, Frank, Tommy, Margie, Maria, and Sabina, at home, maternal grandparents, Frank and Patricia Evans of Flagtown, NJ, and many aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. She is preceded in death by her paternal grandparents, Michael and Joan Russoniello.

Relatives and friends are respectfully invited to attend the Mass of Christian Burial Monday, December 22, 2008 at 11 AM at St. John Neumann Catholic Church, 601 East Delp Road, Lancaster, PA with Rev. Msgr. Richard Youtz as celebrant. Interment will be in St. Joseph New Catholic Cemetery, Bausman, PA. A viewing will be held Sunday evening from 6 until 8 PM at Charles F. Snyder Jr. Funeral Home and Chapel, Inc., 3110 Lititz Pike, Lititz, PA, and again at the church on Monday morning from 9 until 10:30AM, with the rosary being recited at 10:30 AM. Please omit flowers. Memorial Contributions in Liz’ memory may be made to Dominican Sisters of the Perpetual Rosary, 1834 Lititz Pike, Lancaster, PA 17601. To send an online condolence, please visit www.snyderfuneralhome.com.

….and here is the story of what has brought me here…

Kevin and I met online just over 3 years ago. I got a mysterious email sent from my old high school personal website that only included a picture. That picture was of Kevin, and after a few emails back and forth, I figured out he didn’t know how to work email, but that he was cute enough to talk to-Ha! Anyways-so began the hours long phone conversations that went well into early morning and caused some very disturbing phone bills (just ask my mom!).

Three weeks into our phone conversations, Kevin’s father passed away abruptly from an angyna attack. It was completely unexpected, and devastating for his family. Kevin held his faith through it, and we bonded even more so through this terrible event. Soon after, we decided it was time for us to finally meet face to face.

In August, Kevin came down to visit for two weeks, and we both admitted it was “love at first site”. The calls continued, and we visited each other as much as possible, although all long distance relationships are extremely difficult.

In April of 2006, Kevin came down to visit me in Montana where I was living at the time (I had moved from Lancaster in February of 2006 to Montana to explore). We were taking a walk along the Bitterroot river downtown, and he got down on one knee and professed his love and commitment to me. We were engaged, and life was roses.

So begins the immigration battle. Over the next 7 months we battled high and low with US immigration to get a K-1 fiance visa for Kevin to move to the states where we could be married. I moved home, as we decided it would be best to make our home in Lancaster. Finally, right around Thanskgiving, we got the best thing to be thankful for: an approval for the visa! Kevin flew to Vancouver over the following weeks to interview, and we were set.

The last week in January of 2007, Kevin and his mom and brother came down to move Kevin in and for our wedding. On February 3, 2007, we were married at New Danville Mennonite Church in Lancaster, Pa. We honeymooned at my parents (primitive-haha-but comfy) hunting cabin in Wellsboro, Pa (northern) and Buffalo, NY. It was cold-did I mention we got married during a record cold week in Pa? That week’s average was around 10 F. Ugh!

During the first 4 months, Kevin was unable to legally work. It was very frustrating and difficult. Finally, in June, he received his working papers, and soon after, his 2 year permanent residency. In August, the position opened with Rohrer’s One Hour, who agreed to hire him on as an apprentice-he was so happy. We had moved to our College Avenue apartment in March and were finally settling into NORMAL married life.

I introduced Kevin to the Atlantic Ocean on Memorial Day weekend of 2007, and he was hooked to ocean life and surf fishing! Ever since, we’ve gotten down to the beach for getaway weekends as much as possible. It’s so relaxing, and so much fun for us.

Over the past year we have enjoyed exploring around the East and just enjoying finally being with each other! We have discovered that we are each other’s perfect fit. We’re a story that wouldn’t have happened, but for the grace of God, and invention of the internet!

At the end of June, 2008 Kevin Boitson, my husband of 1.5 years, developed trouble swallowing. He went to the Dr, who told him it was most likely an inflammation due to acid reflux and prescribed him prevacid. A week later, we left to travel to visit Kevin’s family in Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada.

During our trip in Winnipeg in early July 2008, Kevin’s inability to swallow properly increased immensely, leaving even just water painful to swallow. During our 1 week vacation in Canada, we placed two calls to our home physician who told us not to worry, just visit him when we got home.

We left a day early and arrived home at the end of the first week of July. The following Monday Kevin visited with his physician, who increased his dose of acid reflux medication and switched him to Nexium. He also scheduled Kevin with the gastroenterologist for an endoscopy to look at his esophagus the next week.

The next day, Kevin called me at work to tell me how painful his swallowing had become and that he couldn’t take it anymore. After several phone calls, I left work to take Kevin to the GI dr. at the local health campus. The nurse practitioner at the GI office seemed very concerned while taking notes about Kevin’s symptoms. 30 minutes later, we were sitting down with her and the Dr. discussing all the STAT procedures te GI Dr. wanted Kevin to have done: Chest Xray, CT scan, Endoscopy, blood work, etc.

The next day, Kevin had an emergency endoscopy which showed a mass of about 3 cm growing at the base of esophagus. He told us he was nearly positive it was cancerous, and sent the biopsy to pathology for examination.

While waiting for the biopsy results to return, Kevin was sent for a PET scan to see if any other parts of his bodies showed cancerous/active cells. The following week it was confirmed Kevin had cancer, but pathology was unable to identify his type of cancer. It was decided they would try surgery first, and go from there.

That Friday, July 25th, Kevin and I went to Hershey for an endoscopic ultrasound. The procedure was very painful for Kevin and did not go very well due to lack of sedation. The weekend following, Kevin’s symptoms and pain increased, and by Monday morning the 28th we were in the ER at Lancaster.

Kevin was admitted to the hospital after the ER visit where they told us he most likely had pneumonia and was running a fever. Throughout the next week and a half, Kevin was moved, moved and moved with more and more tests being done. He had another endoscopy done for another biopsy because not only Lancaster, but also Johns Hopkins hospital was unable to determine the type of cancer to then proceed with treatment.

While Kevin was in the hospital, fluids built up in and around his lungs and heart, and they were unsure of the source. Wed, August 6th, we were informed Kevin would be transferred the next day to Johns Hopkins hospital in Baltimore due to the possibly rarity of his tumor.

Thursday, August 7th, due to Kevin’s lack of proper breathing, it was agreed to put him on a ventilator. That afternoon, Kevin was transferred via ambulance to Johns hopkins hospital, after having a chest drain put in, and put on the ventilator.

Early in the morning on August 8th, the surgeon at Johns Hopkins decided that Kevin would most likely need an emergency esophagectomy due to a possible perforation in his esophagus. They hoped at the same time to remove the tumor, but the surgery had very high risks. That evening, around 8pm, when my parents and sister arrived, Kevin was taken into surgery.

We were able to get a medical emergency flight for Kevin’s mom to be here, and we all waited anxiously for about 7 hours until 3 am Saturday morning for the surgery to end. Kevin made it out of surgery, but they were unable to remove the tumor due to it attaching itself to other organs. They did biopsy it again, as they still had not determined the type of tumor.

Kevin remained on the ventilator for almost a week, when they finally took it off, and removed his catheter. The night before he was taken off, it was finally confirmed he has angiosarcoma, a very rare type of tumor that only occurs in 1000 people in the US every year. With the location of Kevin’s tumor, running from the mouth to stomach, his tumor is even more rare.

Kevin was on chemotherapy (taxol) treatment and was doing ok. There is no cure for angiosarcoma, but it does respond well to chemotherapy. Kevin was discharged from Johns Hopkins in early September, and after 3 weeks of freedom, we were back at our local hospital for pain and some possible internal bleeding. After some major complications, and 2 weeks at Lancaster General Hospital we finally made it to Johns Hopkins.

On October 28, 2008, Kevin went to be with his lord and savior and finally allowed his body to rest.

I am now 7 weeks out from Kevin’s passing and am hanging on. I am devastated, but not destroyed. I miss Kevin beyond belief, and am so sad to not be able to share my life with him anymore. Whenever I think of him being gone, I just break. I am so blessed with my strong support system, and if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here today. I know that.

For whatever reason, God and Kevin have given me a brand new chapter to my life. I don’t want it, but here I am. I hope you’ll continue to follow my journey as I move forward from this terrible loss. Thank you all for your continued support, hope and prayers. I love you all.

Here are a few pictures from back when…

Kissy Kissy while dating, at Winnipeg Beach, Manitoba

Our New Year's Dinner at Assiniboine Park in Winnipeg

At a friend's place in Montana where we had originally hoped to be married...

At our wedding social in Winnipeg

Our Wedding day in Lancaster

More of that GREAT day!

Running into the COLD!

Walking through Downtown Lancaster after the ceremony

Wonderful Reception Kiss

Numb to the bone on our honeymoon at International Falls

Much warmer staying in Buffalo at The Mansion on Delaware during our honeymoon (notice the Buffalo Sabres gear?-GO SABRES!)

Happier times in Baltimore-During a trip to Fell's Point

Our Favorite Place to be-Assateague Island, Md Fishing!

I was up at 4 am this morning to be driven 1.5 hours to the airport to make sure I was there 2 hours ahead for the usual Monday morning flight rush. I am SOOOOO tired. So, I’m hanging out in one of the airport restaurants getting some breakfast, and paying to use their wi-fi. I hate it when they do that….

In other news, my trip has been wonderful, but is now over. Back to reality..to my “life”, and hunkering down to finally, and HOPEFULLY, find a job. The lancasteronline.com want ads look VERY bleak. I am definitely feeling the pain of the unemployed! It’s very slim pickings, so I think I’ll be looking into a temp agency in case nothing else pans out….

I’m very tired today…emotionally, physically. I’m looking forward to sleeping in my OWN bed tonight, and re-adjusting. I’m not looking forward to the reality that is home. This has literally been an escape for me. I’ve talked about Kevin, and thought about him all the time…but being away from my usual environment has given me a nice break. Now, I won’t be able to escape that. *shrugs* And that’s life…

Please keep me in your prayers as tomorrow will be the 7 week mark since Kevin’s passing….every Monday/Tuesday, I am finding VERY difficult getting through it. I’m doing better with each day, but I am finding this journey such a rollercoaster. I’m just exhausted…..

But the vacation was so worth it!

It is so beautiful and serene here. I just love it. It is just the perfect thing for me to be doing right now. I find some moments difficult-I have found some things really trigger my memories of Kevin, and I’ve already stumbled across some traditions that Kev & I had, that now I can only continue on my own. For example, I saw these great seashell ornaments in Monterey today, and I remembered that Kevin and I had made it our goal to get a christms ornament at every place we traveled to instead of regular souvenirs, to decorate ourr tree with. So now, I must still get these ornaments on my new adventures, but without the memories that come with them. That one is realy tough.

But it is beautiful and 60ish, and warm, and lovely. The food and spirirt of this place are excellent, and where we are staying (Asilomar-google it-it’s amazing) is just this beautiful California retreat right on the Monterey Peninsula.

I am finding inspiration, and will, and finding that my fruitful spirit is touching others. I am finding my new life in myself….and that’s good, but also so difficult. I am grieving openly, and allowing myself to mourn my loss, but also opening my heart to the next lifetime ahead. I am an old soul.

I was hoping to post some of my pictures tonight, but I only get internet access in the one building here, and of course, I left the proper disc back in the room Sorry. But I promise, there will be PLENTY of fun, beautiful, amazing pictures to come. I promise.

Love you all

I am titling this blog baby steps, because I think this is my first baby step back to life. It has officially been 5 weeks, 1 day, and 4 hours since Kevin passed. I do not feel good, I do not feel great, I don’t even know what I feel anymore, but I know I am ready to finally begin moving forward in some way.

I’m thinking job, getting healthy, getting on my own two feet, finding some zen, and regaining my faith and communication with God. Some big goals, but all taken in baby steps.

I feel so blessed to be here in California with Deborah and her family. It is inspiring to be with someone from my weight loss support group (www.sparkpeople.com) IN PERSON and to see how we’ve both failed in this area, but how we’re both at a point past the traumas in our lives that we want to move forward.

It feels good to think about moving forward. When I think of Kev, I still am achy, and anxious and destroyed. But I also think of him, and I’m happy. He was amazing and wonderful and inspirational to me. He was the true love of my life-my soulmate, my everything. He made me so happy, and brought so many things into my life that I never would have imagined. And, despite how much I hate it, he has given me a brand new life now. I don’t know that I’m ready to accept that, but I am taking baby steps to move forward in this new life.

I really really really dont’ want this. I cannot stress that enough. I REALLY DO NOT WANT THIS NEW LIFE. But then again, I don’t have a choice in any of this. This decision for Kevin to pass was made long long before any of us were on this earth. I was given a gift of true love, and now I am given the gift of a new life.

So..I’m taking some baby steps. First things first-find some zen, find my soul again….then come home..and find a job.