At 24 years old I lost my husband of 1.5 years. This is round 2 of life as a Crazy Widow.

My brain is in a slight state of disconnect. I get this way-I have in the past, and so I know this is not ‘widow related’ persay. It seems that every few months I go through this phase of evaluating my life and changing what’s not good, and improving what is good. It sounds like a healthy process to go through, but many times it causes me to make rash decisions. I’m not happy? Slash, done. That’s not the way this process should go.

Widowhood has definitely made me a self righteous person at times, and also, selfish. I want to keep what I have, and I want to rid of what is holding me back. I have a feeling of superiority that causes me to do or say things that can hurt people, mostly because I feel justified that I’ve been screwed in life, and well, I deserve THIS.

But that’s not how life rolls, and I cannot be that type of person, it just does not suit me. Sometimes, however, I want to be that way. I want to do what I want, when I want, because it will bring me happiness and that is what I deserve. We all deserve happiness though, not just the ones who have experienced some pretty shitty circumstances.

I am just feeling discontent with where I am right now. Tonight I’ll speak for the first time in public about grief, but will anyone but my mother show up? When I finish writing this memoir, who will read its’ pages? When I finish degree, what will I do with that piece of paper?

What’s next? It had better not be more discontent.

Join me tonight at Aaron’s Book in Lititz for a discussion on grief, and a reading from my memoir-in-progress. 7 p.m.-I hope to see you there!

Passion to do life comes and goes. Some days, like today, I am gung ho and could work for hours on the Team Sarcoma bike/walk/run that is coming up on July 17th. And then other nights, like last night, I focus on the reasons WHY I am organizing this in the first place.

Last night I got an amazing call from the head of the Liddy Shriver Sarcoma Initiative. He explained how the research grant process works, and what ratings they must get from researches to grant them the money towards the project. For the first time ever, he received a request for a $50,000 grant for Angiosarcoma. It still has to go through the approval process, and the details are confidential, but wow, what timing. In the midst of me organizing the first ever Central-PA walk for Team Sarcoma, our money could possibly go towards this Angiosarcoma grant, which has always been my hope: that someone would see worth in researching a disease that is so unknown, but so devastating.

I also connected with some Angiosarcoma patients and their families last night. For me, that is bittersweet, as I am sure it is for them. They do not want to know that people have died from this disease, but they also know the “reality”. However, I know our outcome isn’t everyone’s outcome with Angiosarcoma. I know patients, I know survivors, and it is possibly to SURVIVE with this disease. It is important to hold onto that belief, even if it is slim.

I missed Kevin last night when I thought about the reason why I am doing this. If he hadn’t gotten the disease, I would not be here, I would not even KNOW about Sarcoma. But thus, I am here, and I do not want to continue with the battle of “I wish I wasn’t, but I love the people I have met because of it” etc. etc. That was then, I am here now.

One of the gentleman helping with the event was vacationing in Cape May this weekend, and opened a local paper. He spotted an add for “Sandcastles for Sarcoma” a team local to Cape May raising money for the LSSI. He took a picture and sent it to me, and I quickly contacted the organizer to tell them of the coincidence. He had not heard of Sarcoma cancer prior to meeting me, and I am sure if he had stumbled across that advertisement without my story, he would not have thought anything of that ad. How cool-this is why we work with a passion-so that more people, like him, hear about Sarcoma. Many of my friends had not heard about Sarcoma until they met me, and because of Kevin’s struggle and passion for beating this disease, it has pushed me to help others.

It is about awareness, but without funds, we cannot make progress. Please consider donating directly to the LSSI (http://www.sarcomahelp.org) or show up on July 17th at 10 a.m. in East Petersburg for the Bike/Walk/Run. Spread the word, and work with a passion!

This morning I woke up with my favorite hymn in mind “It is Well with my Soul” and I couldn’t stop singing. I had attended church for the first time in months on Sunday, and of all the hymns we sang, that was one. The reverend spoke of finding peace in God when nothing else stands, in not always searching for a peaceful spot, but instead, looking to God as our peaceful spot.

I rarely do that anymore: I search for the quiet and serene in home, in my writing, with my friends and family, but not much in God. Driving to work, I began remembering what it was like to be driven home from Baltimore the morning, a Tuesday morning in fact, that Kevin passed almost exactly 20 months ago. I remember vividly not feeling good at leaving him there, all alone in that hospital with no one to care after him. I had barely left his side the entire time he was sick, constantly caring for his every need and wish. To leave him, to let him be alone, felt so very wrong.

It is an intense memory, one I try not to recall often because of the way it makes me feel: sick, alone, shameful. When someone dies in front of you, to leave them there, in the hands of someone else, knowing that the moment you step away, you will no longer have any new memories of them alive, it is so bitter, agonizing in fact. That day, and many times after, it was NOT well. It was horrific.

Today it is well, but that does not mean that when I recall that day I feel well about the events that took place in the past 2 years of my life or what happened to Kevin’s life. I do not know that I will ever feel particularly ‘well’ about his death. I move forward, I find a calm in my soul despite the pain, and I accept that this is it.

It is so hard to remember those times-the insanely bad ones that I almost cannot believe happened, that I want to deny, but that I feel too intensely to push from my memory. I, thankfully, do not recall this memory often, but it is one I will never forget, never release, but it is not how I want to remember Kevin-having to leave him that October Day in Baltimore.

I want it to be well with my soul, I want to see and feel the glory of happiness, and to wash the sad memories away without forgetting the lessons they taught me. I want to remember him, in his good days, in the times he made all of us laugh and smile, and remember him for the reasons that I am working so hard to make sure others to not have face his fate.

Help me remember him in the good: http://www.facebook.com/TeamSarcomaPA

I am approaching the point in which I will have been a widow longer than I was a wife. It’s an odd feeling. A widow longer than I was a wife. I can’t quite wrap my head around that one. You would think there would be some release in that thought-that in knowing I have now been alone longer than I was married to Kevin, that I can keep moving forward, but instead it stops me. Has that much time passed?

Summer is going so quickly, and life is moving away from the ache even more quickly. I still have moments, times, shadows in the day that block out the sunlight from getting through to me. I reflect upon my life with Kevin, what future I want without him, and the things I am trying to do to keep his legacy going, and to help others. All are keeping me so busy that I forget to just think back on the good days.

This time two years ago Kevin was having trouble swallowing, and we thought it was bad heartburn. We had no clue he had a cowboy boot-shaped tumor growing in his chest, slowly killing him. When I think about his vibrancy slipping from this earth, it nearly kills me. I’m just glad that his light was strong enough to shine on me, and to keep me glowing for the time we had together.

Passing some milestones, ones that I’d rather not have etched in my memory, but nonethless ones that affect me deeply. The time markers are getting further apart, and although there is some relief, it also stirs in me a great distanced feeling from him. Some days it’s so hard to remember the good.

I want to remember the good-the good of the past, and the good of today.

Hoping the light of the longest day of the year shines through to me, and to you.

Why do I continue to blog, to release my anxieties and fears and worries into the world on this platform? There are so many reasons, but today, it’s simply to connect.

One of my Facebook messages this morning told me that another gentleman had lost his battle with Angiosarcoma this morning. I paused, thinking upon his family and what they must now face. Thanks to the connections I have made through social media, I have been able to connect with other cancer survivors, and their families. It’s difficult to see when one loses the battle, but I know that I’m fighting for the right team.

July 17, 2010 will be the first ever Team Sarcoma: Keepin’ it Kevin Bike/Walk/Run held at 10 am at the Community Park in East Petersburg, Pennsylvania. All the money raised will go to the Liddy Shriver Sarcoma Initiative http://www.sarcomahelp.org which helps families affected by Sarcoma cancer, and raises money for research. I am still looking for donors to pay for the printing of our t-shirts, and the donation of the Team Sarcoma bracelets to promote awareness.

That day will not only be about honoring Kevin, but also all of the other families and patients who have been touched by Sarcoma cancer. I am looking forward to the community learning about this cancer, how they can help, and how we as a small community can make a difference.

I hope you can help. Leave a comment if you’d like more information or visit http://www.facebook.com/TeamSarcomaPA or http://www.keepinitkevin.info

Thank you!

http://bit.ly/deXU9o

Thanks to Inkling Media and Ken Mueller for featuring Keepin’ it Kevin: Team Sarcoma as his Other’s First Friday cause this week!

Have you checked out the big events happening on July 17, 2010?  Head to http://www.facebook.com/TeamSarcomaPA or go to http://www.keepinitkevin.info to find out how you can help and support this year’s Bike/Walk/Run raising money for the Liddy Shriver Sarcoma Initiative!

Yes, Faith is purposely mis-spelled.  Cheesy, yes, but it’s missing I.  I am missing my faith.  Not completely, it’s still there, but it’s missing a lot of key components.  I felt very overwhelmed last night and this morning.  I’m right at the two year mark of when Kev first become symptomatic-when things were going downhill quite quickly and we had no clue what was ahead of us, or what was growing in his body.  I look back at my blogs when the journey first began, and how faith centric I was.  I was content with leaving the situation in God’s hands, yet trusting that God’s plans was in our favor.  I never wanted to imagine that it would end without Kevin living.

I would say that my trust in God is pretty low.  I still cannot wrap my head around blaming God, but do I?  Yes.  I see our prayers are unanswered.  I see Kevin having been taken from my life, and I have no understanding from it.  I continue to see cancer tragedies and wonder why and question the reasoning for all the hurt in this world.  I feel…abandoned.

What I would love is to find a church home, and in that home, see faith, feel faith, and see God working miracles that did not happen for me.  If I could see and sense that, I feel like I could work on the full faith again.  I am definitely lacking spiritual connection, and I do believe that is part of the reason my life feels so manic, and why my burdens feel so heavy.

I would like to build a full faith again, and I keep thinking I am ready to start, but I can’t seem to put one foot in front of the other to build and develop that journey again.  I cannot seem to let go of the pain I feel on this earth and put it onto a God I feel failed me in some ways.  Say what you will, think what you want, but I feel failed in many ways when it comes to my Chapter one journey of life.

There is something higher, I’m just not quite ready to trust in that yet.  I’d like to though-it’d like to build a future in something greater than myself.

This morning I was floored.  It doesn’t happen often, but this morning a friend whom I met through Twitter, floored me.  You see, she has breast cancer.  The cancer is in her breast, neck, and a spot on her liver.  I had somehow missed her tweets about her chemo treatment, and recent battle, and well, I was floored to see her in a wig, looking strong as can be.  When I asked her how she was, I got my answer-all of it.

Maybe I’ll share her blog with all of you so that you can follow her journey, but I’ll check with her first.  In the meantime, I read every single entry in her blog since her diagnosis.  It took me back in so many ways.  Her words resounded in my ears-some of those words I had mouthed myself on more than on occasion. I can hear her fear, but I can also feel her hope-the constant tug and pull of a battle with cancer.

She is young, a mother, a wife, a beautiful vibrant soul who has made me laugh on smile on several occasions. I have enjoyed getting to know her over the past year, and now I will enjoy watching her beat this battle.

She is shaking up my life, but in a good way. Days like this, I go, WTF has happened to my life? Like, seriously, what have I taken out of this life, with lessons learned? When I look back on the past 2 years, I know I have come out of this with so many good things, good lessons, good perspective, but am I still using that?

It’s time to re-evaluate again. Everyday is a chance to rethink how I am doing life, and thanks to this woman, I am rethinking it yet again. Time to stop beating myself up as I posted earlier this week, and time to start lifting myself up.

Here’s to you sweetheart-cheers, hugs, love, and a crapload of props to you.