Widowhood is like a bat that whams you on the side of the head-from the moment you enter this new world and then again, and again, and again. It knows just when to clobber you and knock you down. But we always get back up don’t we?
Tonight was a night for a candlelit bath a.k.a thinking session. When I’m alone in my thoughts, it usually ends up at one place: me talking to myself, but really talking to Kevin. Rattling on about how I really am doing ok, then about feeling guilt about doing ok, then knowing how Kevin would be shaking his head at that and telling me to knock it off….and then always to the “what would be doing now?” part of the thought process.
This process is the most tough. The “What would be doing now?” thinking leads to you thinking back to happier times, and then trying to rec-reate them in the now. For me, that would put Kevin & I at the timeline of having spent another grand holiday together, and looking forward to our 3rd anniversary in February. This would also put us in the probably timeline of discussions about kiddos. So there’s the Widowhood Slugger. The kids that will never be.
The widowhood slugger takes whatever semblance of peace and serenity you has, then hands you what would be a joyous thought, but since you’re a widow it’s now a devastating reality, and slugs you with it over and over again. You can’t even say out loud “we may have even been expecting a baby”…no no no. You can’t even form the words. It’s just left at the thought, unable to form words, and the bursting tears. THE WIDOWHOOD SLUGGER.
So now I’m calm again, having had a good cry, a good soak, and now with my cat laying an ever protective paw on my foot (this is odd since he is NOT a cuddly cat by any means)..I’m back up again. At peace once more in my widowhood, having been beaten down yet again, but moving on a little quicker this time.
Sometimes these moments just stop you in your tracks. The thinking ahead to what could have been has become harder and harder to do. So much so, that at first, I almost couldn’t imagine life with Kevin right now. I’m so into this next life again, that he no longer fits. It’s not a horrible thing by any means, it just means that I’ve progressed, I have moved forward, and I have learned to embrace the next phase of life…without him. He would be happy about that, I know he would because I knew him dearly and I loved him even more.
Because he’s not here, I can be selfish. I can do this for me. So the Slugger goes back in the closet until the next round..