Widowhood is like a bat that whams you on the side of the head-from the moment you enter this new world and then again, and again, and again. It knows just when to clobber you and knock you down. But we always get back up don’t we?

Tonight was a night for a candlelit bath a.k.a thinking session. When I’m alone in my thoughts, it usually ends up at one place: me talking to myself, but really talking to Kevin. Rattling on about how I really am doing ok, then about feeling guilt about doing ok, then knowing how Kevin would be shaking his head at that and telling me to knock it off….and then always to the “what would be doing now?” part of the thought process.

This process is the most tough. The “What would be doing now?” thinking leads to you thinking back to happier times, and then trying to rec-reate them in the now. For me, that would put Kevin & I at the timeline of having spent another grand holiday together, and looking forward to our 3rd anniversary in February. This would also put us in the probably timeline of discussions about kiddos. So there’s the Widowhood Slugger. The kids that will never be.

The widowhood slugger takes whatever semblance of peace and serenity you has, then hands you what would be a joyous thought, but since you’re a widow it’s now a devastating reality, and slugs you with it over and over again. You can’t even say out loud “we may have even been expecting a baby”…no no no. You can’t even form the words. It’s just left at the thought, unable to form words, and the bursting tears. THE WIDOWHOOD SLUGGER.

So now I’m calm again, having had a good cry, a good soak, and now with my cat laying an ever protective paw on my foot (this is odd since he is NOT a cuddly cat by any means)..I’m back up again. At peace once more in my widowhood, having been beaten down yet again, but moving on a little quicker this time.

Sometimes these moments just stop you in your tracks. The thinking ahead to what could have been has become harder and harder to do. So much so, that at first, I almost couldn’t imagine life with Kevin right now. I’m so into this next life again, that he no longer fits. It’s not a horrible thing by any means, it just means that I’ve progressed, I have moved forward, and I have learned to embrace the next phase of life…without him. He would be happy about that, I know he would because I knew him dearly and I loved him even more.

Because he’s not here, I can be selfish. I can do this for me. So the Slugger goes back in the closet until the next round..

Habits are usually things we learn from our surroundings: possibly things that our parents did, quirks that got us through in our childhood, or just doing things to fill the time. What really changes those things? When we read an article, watch a movie, hear a tidbit, and think “Wow, I should really look into that” or “I really need to stop this/start that” how long does it last?

In my life the things that have changed me permanently were the things of biggest impact. Love, Marriage, Loss are the three things that pop immediately into my mind. Other than that, have the little things in life that I have heard and witnessed made a significant change in the way I proceed with my life?

We all have those moments when we start new patterns, but often do not stick. Being on a “diet” that I REFUSE to acknowledge as that (we’ll call it a LIFESTYLE CHANGE) is one of those things in my life. On the rollercoaster of losing/gaining weight most things have not stuck. This 2 month long streak of taking care of myself finally feels like its sticking, unlike before. So what did it? Was it being fed up with now feeling as limber? Feeling unattractive? Hoping my weight will change my dating life? What clicked in my brain to make the change? For this, I have no “AHA” moment other than I’m sick of being sick, I’m sick of being fat, I’m sick of feeling bleh and it was just time for a change! Being fed up can definitely be a strong motivator.

Love was probably my biggest moment of change. Learning to love someone properly, and then learning to love myself when the other half of that love was taken. That’s an incredible amount of change and something that still defines my life immensely.

When it comes down to little habits, often we don’t bother changing them because they do not have a significant effect (or is it affect? ) on our lives. It seems pointless to change something that has always been. But what about when we hear of things that shake our world so much that we jump to action? Does it stick? 10 years from now will we still care about it, or did we care enough about it at the time that it made a difference or did we just ruffle a few feathers?

In 2010, my year of more change, I think a lot about what will stick in these habits. Am I going to be content with doing life no matter what or is it a fleeting moment? Will I be halfway through my weight loss goal by this summer and be able to be a beach cutie at Assateague? Will I be able to view life through unfogged goggles and see it what it truly is and to wash the heartache away a little bit more? What is going to stick?

The little things can make a big difference if we recognize them, and the little things should shake our world just like the big stuff. Take your goggles off and shake your world up a bit. What I remember most about the past is the little stuff….it just took something truly huge to make me realize that. Don’t wait for your something huge. Take the little now, eat it up bite by bite, and make the change.

I have learned to never look ahead too far because if I make too forward of a plan, often I end up not achieving it and end up feeling guilty/sad about that. It is not just in goal setting, but in dreaming. I have learned a lot about lost dreams with losing my husband at the end of 2008. Now having faced an entire year plus without him I can finally embrace dreaming a bit, but knowing that in an instant it can change or be lost.

Looking ahead I know that just because dreams and goals may change or be lost, it should not stop me from having, creating, or trying to achieve them. Looking ahead to 2010 I see a lot of good things, but still carry apprehension about experiencing them alone.

Many friends have children, are married, recently engaged, or live a distance away. I really do not have any BESTIES that are right next door and can be with me at a moment’s notice. It’s a bit disappointing, but it is adulthood. Even I as a best friend cannot always provide that to my friends with obligations. Life has certainly changed. While I am still not 100% comfortable doing life alone and I do miss Kevin dearly, and while I still wish often for a companion to enjoy life with, I also realize that because of these feelings, I have put my life a bit on hold. Why is that? Why should I be ‘on hold’ because of what I don’t have? I can still create life and DO life without these people, and still enjoy those moments.

Doing life ALONE has never been an appealing thought. I think most of us feel that doing certain activities require a partner to enjoy it with: whether a companion, friend, boyfriend, husband, girlfriend, wife, sibling, parent. Most of the things we do in life include someone else. So when there is no one else to share it with if they are either no longer alive, present, available or even just interested, the thought process has to adjust. I can do life alone. It’s not that I really want to, but I don’t have much of a choice. But just because I may not have a choice in someone else enjoying these things with me, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t still DO or enjoy them. I am going to.

Which leads to my thoughts on 2010. I am going to enjoy life. Whether I am by myself, or with someone, I am still going to do things and enjoy them. Even if it means most of the camera shots are me taking them of myself, I can still go camping, fish, hike, bike, workout, travel, explore. I have been my main companion for over 25 years, so why not continue that pattern?

When it comes to health goals for 2010, it’s also pretty exciting. 14 lbs down and a long way to go, by summer I WILL have made significant progress. So much so in fact that I should have half of my goal completed: 50 lbs. 50 lbs. down is going to put me back to my high school weights which aren’t fabulous, but are still pretty good. I will be coming out of plus size clothing and maybe even feel confident enough to sport some hot swimsuits on the beach while I surf fish. Why not?

When I look ahead I feel excited. There may be people to enjoy some of these things with, but either way, I’m going to plan for what suits my schedule so I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I am going to move forward, both in my health, and in my mental progress as well.

Heading into the second full year of life without Kevin is another challenge, but I don’t feel it will be nearly as hard as the first. 2008 sucked the life out of me with being Kevin’s caretaker and then burying him. 2009 was about survival, and learning life without my partner. 2010 is about learning life with me.

I’m looking ahead for once, and it looks promising and exciting. I think 2010 is going to be a great year.

I may be fairly quiet over the next week with the holiday insanity! Wishing you all a healthy and very Merry Christmas. I think 2010 is going to be a great year..don’t you?

Just wanted to share something so exciting..many of you know I went back to school this fall. Just got my grades:
4.0 STRAIGHT A’S. I didn’t think this was possible as an adult student not having taken classes in almost 4 years with all this adjustment. I am so proud.

Lancaster is a great place to be. It is nice to know everything around me, to build a sense of community as an adult, to be in a place of comfort, of warmth, and somehow, of blessing. Yesterday the world lost another Angiosarcoma soul. Rafael Rojas passed from this world after a battle with a rare form of Angiosarcoma (yes, even Angiosarcoma can have rare forms of itself). I was informed through the tight knit twitter community of which I am apart of, and it broke a piece of me today. I do not want to see Angiosarcoma as an inevitable death due to the disease. Some do survive in fact, and thankfully, I still know a few survivors-ones who are fighting and seemingly, winning. But when another passes, it reminds me more that I need to continue to fight for awareness, for those who lose the battle too young, for the rare circumstances in life when we are handed unimaginable diseases, and unimaginable grief. Thankfully, they are rare.

Despite a trying weekend of a small rear ending accident (I am FINE, subaru is just a little dinged, and will be repaired soon) due to the snow that I have been HOPING for (ironic isn’t it?), some Bank issues, and this loss, it was still a good weekend. Because I’m home, and it feels that way.

I had a great time exploring the city in all it’s glorious, CLEAN, white, sledding, relaxing, baking, family time, and just in general feeling at home here, in my skin. As I’m finally recooperating from the sinus infection, the feelings of melancholy are lifting a bit. However, with the Christmas and New Years holiday approaching, I keep being reminded of the couply feelings that just feel normal around the holidays, and no one to feel couply with. It’s definitely a downer.

Home is definitely what you make it, and this is mine. I appreciate all the support you have all given me over these past few years. Yes, it’ll almost be 2 years since this blogging journey began (this coming June) and it has been quite the journey.

Life is incredible. Life is unfair. But I do not want to see it as that; I want to see it as a blessing-I have been blessed in my life, and amongst that has been some tough shit as well. That’s life as Frank would say. It has not broken me yet, nor will it. I am home, Kevin is home, and now another Angiosarcoma friend is home too, Rafael. We are home wherever we make it, wherever our soul lies, and in it, there is good.

Yes, there are possibly 8-18″ of snow coming. Am I happy? I’m THRILLED. I am one of those annoying people who love snow, crave it, ask for it, get all kiddy like a 5 year old waiting at the door with her sled and snowsuit. It used to drive Kevin CRAZY how much I loved snow, considering he hailed from the the land of subzero temperatures and an abundance of snow. But for Pennsylvanians, a good ole’ snow storm only happens maybe once every other year. Bring it!

The storms of life are also continuing. I got smacked in the head, literally, with a nasty sinus infection which put me down and out. Halting my routine of eating well, exercising, and feeling good about life, it’s put me into a funk that I don’t enjoy. The upcoming Holidays, instead of being gleeful and hopeful, just feel melancholy and a bit sorrowful. The second Christmas without Kevin is not a celebration. It still have a bit of mourning, but at least this year, it is not quite so fresh.

With a few failed dating experiences under my belt, I’m sure it doesn’t help my loneliness. It seems that once you have experienced, know, and understand what an amazing love can be, it is harder to find that again. I don’t feel a necessity to find love again, or some time limit, but it certainly would be nice to have someone check in on me, go to the movies, hang out with of the male variety. I miss companionship above all else, and as much as my cat Darrell tries, he’s just not that good at cuddling.

Wrapping up an entire calendar year without Kevin is also not an accomplishment, but yet is is. It is a true mark of my survival, my ability to live amongst grief, the challenges I have faced moving forward in a world where so many face grief and illness each year.

While facing 2009 was a tough challenge, facing 2010 seems an easier one. I finally have a brace on my life, a structure that I enjoy, and even a few dreams for the future. I miss him every day-thinking more and more about him and the plant and slippers that I would get for Christmas.

Our first Christmas he bought me the “elements” Wind Chime, Water Fountain, and a candle that was forged from a rock crystal. It was so co0l and thoughtful. I still have the slippers he got for me on our last Christmas together, and the Christmas Cactus he bought me one year is just about to bloom their beautiful pink flowers.

Fond memories, wish there had been more. But mainly wish he was still here to create new ones every year. But instead, just memories under the tree this year.

Please keep in mind those who are missing loved ones this year, who are struggling to make ends meet, who need extra love, attention, and courtesy especially this season.

http://www.theboitsons.info/?p=942 “Chapters”

The link above is to a Sermon that Past Dan Houck gave at ‘The Table” community church last November. One that truly changed my grieving journey-a sermon I often think back to. I went on the hunt for this blog entry this morning. I remembered hearing a sermon last year that, at the time, was crucial for me. When I found the entry this morning, I realized it’s still applicable today. Today, as yet another chapter of my life has officially unfolded.

No, there probably have not been 5 million chapters in my life yet, but there many have been that many moments. Last night I began to realize that I am truly in a new routine of my life. It’s pretty staged, and very orderly, but I think that is what I have needed, versus chaos. Routine feels very nice.

The next chapter of my life I am titling ‘Me’. It seems fitting since most of it is focused on my benefit. We all do things for our benefit in some way or another, but I am definitely feeling very self-indulging in this next chapter, and not in a bad way. The past year’s chapters have been titled ‘Grief’, ‘Anger’, ‘Lust’, ‘Regret’…the past year has mostly been a chapter of vital emotions of grief. I have said before that if I didn’t feel them fully, I would never deal with them. I have felt them, and I am still dealing with some, if not all, of them, but much less than before. So much less in fact, they are no longer Chapters of my life, but instead just in my index.

The focus on me is not about selfish reasons, but about simply finding me again. You cannot move forward without knowing your intentions, your sense of a self, a commitment to your goals and dreams, your moral values, an inner peace. I do not believe a person can fully commit themselves to a future of dreams and goals without first creating them through the journey of discovering themselves. I have learned much about myself in marriage, in caretaking, in death, and now, in rebirth.

I am still defining the values of my new self, where I stand on moral and political issues, where I want to go with some dreams and goals that I have. I still have a lot of growth to conquer, but I have come so far already that I know I can finally title this chapter of my life ‘Me’ without selfish ambition, and with solid footing. I am not the old me. I still hold many of my good values, but I also have a lot of complications now, and far too much wisdom for 25 years. Again, things that if I had said them in a previously Chapter would have seemed very self righteous, but now, are a perfect fit.

The chapter of ‘Me’ involves taking care of my body, my mind, my soul…and my heart. The body part I am doing great at. I can see Kevin’s beaming smile from above and what I have achieved in the past 6 weeks. 12 lbs down, a healthy outlook on my body and taking care of, a true lifestyle change. My mind is still overwhelmed at times, but I continue to strengthen it with going back to school and engaging myself in the community. My soul I am learning to receive others, to let myself feel the continual aches and pains of the grieving process, but also to allow to rest at times. And my heart, often still pained with the loss, is finally opening up to possibly see a future. A future maybe with someone else, who knows, but a future nonetheless where I can love again.

It is such an exciting chapter, scary at times, but fulfilling in many ways. In this chapter of ‘Me’ not only am I helping myself, but somehow in doing that it has allowed me to help others better. Without me being whole again, I cannot help others. It is a simple statement, but very true. I do not remember the feeling of wholeness, but I am so glad that some of those puzzle pieces are finally being set back in their place. They’re a little beat up, but they still fit.

I’m challenged in this chapter. Challenged to allow myself to take care of me, to be “selfish”, to find compassion again by way of taking care of myself. It no longer feels as scary to put the pieces back together, but instead, it feels right, and time.

I ache for him, and wish that this was another Christmas with him, instead of another without. Looking back will only bring me two things: perspective, and grief. Moving forward can bring me a complicated joy. So right now, I’m focusing on this chapter of “Me”. One that I can swallow.

I’m doing a project for work that kind of springs up memories, or hope of what could have been my future with Kevin. Looking at places we would have travelled, and how we would have loved to have a place at the beach. Working on getting the Subaru all equipped for summer surf fishing this year (if it can go oversand)-all those things spur up KEVIN in my brain and it’s hard not to think about what has been lost. Of course, those thoughts leave me emotional and always a bit stunned.

Saturday night I attended church for the first time in months. It was a great service about what we called Home. By the end of the night, I had a better handle on thinking about Kevin in an eternal sense. Yes, I only got a few years with him here on earth, but I get an eternity with him in Heaven. While that concept is still fairly surreal to me, it does give me some bits of comfort. It doesn’t necessarily take away from the loss I still feel on earth, but it gives me a greater perspective that he is in a better place. Acknowledging that fact is not always easy-I think him being in a better place would be here..with me. But it’s not the case, and even in my grief I know that.

The snow brought me some joy-the kid-like nature of just being in awe of the pure white snowfall that seems to cleanse the earth. I could hear Kevin’s voice annoyed at the cold, and snow, wishing for me to shut my mouth about how much I love it. We definitely were different climate people. I kind of miss him picking on me about it.

Overall, the feeling of melancholy is strong today, but after a great weekend, sometimes the high joy can give you a bit of deep low. It won’t last though, I am grateful for that. I’ll find a moment of happiness in today, and tomorrow, and the next. Intermingled with the bitter taste of loss, especially nearing the holiday. I miss him. I miss true Happiness and Joy though too, and I’m grateful to have those feelings come forth.

Last year at this time, I was enjoying a two week escape (and it literally was just that) to the San Francisco Bay area to meet a friend I had never met before, and then flew up to Seattle to see an old friend. I miss vacations!

I have come a long way since then. I read the blog post from exactly a year ago, and I was still very adament about really really not wanting this new life. Despite wanting or not, this was the life that was planned for me long before I was placed on this earth to live it. While I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m 100% fond and secure in this new vessel of my life, I am stable and growing, and moving forward. There are certainly more pleasures in this new life than there were a year ago, but it’s still a long way from saying I am perfectly OK with what has happened.

I do not believe I will ever feel OK with what has happened to me, what has happened to Kevin. I will still always feel a questioning in the deep somewheres of myself about why this happened, but I have chosen to not dwell on it-in the dwelling I’ll lose myself even more. Moving forward despite not wanting this new life.

I am, however, trying to make the most of this recreation of Brenda. It has been a month now since I’ve commited to myself to take care of my body and mind through counseling, eating better, and exercising. I am proud to say that because of making this commitment, I am now 10 pounds lighter, 6 inches slimmer, and a headfull clearer. I still may be unorganized, and a deep procrastinator, but you can’t change everything!

I do feel a sense of calm in my life-a stillness in the simple comforts of going through a daily routine of shower, cooking breakfast, work, workout, homework, tv, bed. It is pretty mundane stuff, but I also find time to meet new friends, to explore new places, and to discover what the treats are of my future. I still have a gypsy spirit in some ways, but stability right now feels not only acceptable, but beautiful as well. The chaos that fed Kevin and I’s life when he was sick wore me down so much, that now I cherish the simplistic beauty of daily living.

I have become, in many ways, proud of myself. In grief, it is so hard to see anything good, especially in yourself. Grief reflects the failures of your marriage, of your personal self, of everything you COULD have done. Grief steals so many things, and one of those things is confidence. Being something I was never good at building, and tried to overcompensate by proving, having grief steal any confidence I had away was devastating-talk about a life in complete ruin.

As I look back over the past year, as I reflect on how far I have come from the deep throws of grief, and when I look at the simple life achievements I have made, and the big strides I have overcome, I am proud. I have made it. It was so hard to see making it day in and out without Kevin as a personal success, but it was, and it is. Learning to live without someone who completes you is a success-a bitter one, but still, a success.

Reaching out to others also in grief, in battling disease, in aching for something loss, is an achievement. Somewhere, in fighting my own battle, I needed to see others win as well, and if they couldn’t do it themselves, I have and do want to help them. This is a success.

Telling my story, his story, our story, is a success. In opening up my heart and soul to others, to allow them to walk with me on such a painful journey, is a success.

Comitting to myself to live a better life than I have before, to care for myself, to work towards achieving dreams, however, small, is a success.

Grief took so much from me, but I have not let it take my, and the beauty of what makes me so powerful.