Hello and greetings from my new apartment on West Orange in Lancaster! It feels so good to be “home”. Although home right now consists of the smell of fresh paint, and the only “furniture” in this place are my beloved plants, and a new storage rack for the bathroom, it’s going to be home in just a few days.

Have I mentioned how much I hate moving? I keep telling myself “Brenda, this is the last time for a LONG time.” Of course, this is what I told myself when Kevin and I lived on College avenue. I truly pray that I can stay in this apartment for a few years. It’d be nice to feel that type of stability again, even without Kevin.

Kristi got to view the apartment today and gave the seal of approval. Despite it being a small 1 br, we’re going to work it so Kristi lives in the common area living room. I measured today, and the couch will NOT fit. Stinks, I picked it up for just $200 at salvation army. It’s a great, tan leather, sleeper sofa. I just want to get rid of it, so make an offer and it’s yours!

So, over this weekend we’ll be shopping for a reasonably price futon with a thicker mattress, and some odds and ends to make this place feel more like home. Pray this snow/ice melts a bit, so that I can get into the stroage barn where all my dishes and things are at. I won’t be able to fit all my goods in here, but I should be able to get most of it in while Kristi is living here, and then when she moves up to Canada, adjust again to her being gone, and a bit more space for myself. Either way, it’ll be great having someone here with me for a few months.

I saw Darrell, my cat, last night and talked to him about the apartment, I am SURE he is just as excited as Kristi and I are, lol. We’ll see about that….I think he’ll just be happy to be the only small thing around (not fighting for attention with the other cat, dog, and toddler).

I’m planning on moving box by box here throughout this weekend this week. I hope to get my bed, chair, tv and some of the heavier boxes and things over NEXT Saturday. So-I know some of you volunteered. We have a truck, but another is always handy, and I need BRAWN. so, if you can help NEXT Saturday, please let me know.

*deep breath*. I’m on my own. It feels so weird to be in this apartment all alone, without furniture, but mostly, without Kevin. I’ve only gotten through a few things, and everything is a reminder of our past life. This is going to be a tough move, but a good one, and one that needs to happen.

Keep me in your thoughts.

Much love, bren

Yes, the lump. The one that sticks it self right in your upper chest/lower throat area when you’re sad, grieving, anxious, angry, whatever. I started getting this lump right when Kevin was first put on the vent. I’ve never before had anxiety attacks, but I started to when Kev got more and more sick. Today, for whatever reason, that lump is back. I don’t feel super anxious, and I think I’m still battling this bug, so I’m not sure what’s it’s there for. But I don’t like it. It almost feels like I can’t comfortably take a full breath. Argh. Darn depression symptoms.

In good news, I checked out the apartment on W. Orange street today and FELL IN LOVE. The landlord is super nice, it’s straight up the stairs, so no turns to get into it. It’s pretty cheap, it’s a good layout, nice kitchen, refinished hardwood floors, new windows, freshly painted, balcony, open back yard, and just quaint. By quaint I mean SMALL. But small that I can handle.

I think my lump may be due to my brain wrapping itself around moving AGAIN. Not just moving, but moving since Kev’s passing. Being out in the real world again. EEK. I have that excited/nervous feeling, and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m so glad Kristi is going to be joining me for a few months. It will be VERY cozy with 2 people living there, but to have her company there I think is really going to help me adjust. I don’t know that I could be completely on my own quite yet.

I’m thinking about all the stuff I have-where it’s all going to fit. But, the fact is, what doesn’t, I’ll sell or pass on. That’s just the simplest way to put. I want to live simply. Kevin and I did that to the best of our abilities, and I want to do it more so now. I want to ahve a nice, simple apartment with fun, but tasteful funky decor, freedom to move around, a good place to WANT to cook so I can stop spending so much money on eating out, and a place for my wonderful cat Darrell to roam. I think this place will be perfect for it.

Please pray that he’ll aprove me. My credit is shot from, well, everything Kevin and I have gone through in the past 2 years with moving, immigration, then the illness. He said that I seem trustworthy and nice, and that he won’t discount me on my credit, thank God. I have great rental references, and he’s fine with Kristi as a roommate, and having Darrell in the apartment. So…all I need it to submit the application and him to say yes. I could be moving within the week. EEEEEEEK

I’m freaking out. I’ll admit it. Now that it’s down to it, it’s like OH MY WORD. MORE CHANGE. I really pray it works out that I don’t have to move for a longtime. I’d like in a small apartment for years by myself if it meant to finally have some stability, to have some grounding. I miss uncomplication. I’m ready for regular, non-medical related mail, an apartment where my only worries are paying the rent and cleaning out Darrell’s litter box. I am looking forward to LIVING AGAIN.

But to live again, I have to pack up. I don’t plan to make it one HUGE moving day, although, that still may be simplest. I think I’ll just sort of start taking stuff over once I get approved for it-AND I WILL, lol. Then, maybe the weekend of the 7th, get some brawny men (thanks volunteers already) to lug up my bed, and the heavier boxes. I still don’t know if the couch will fit, but if it doesn’t, I’ll sell it and buy a futon for Kristi to sleep on instead. (the couch is a MASSIVE sofa bed).

So….*deep breath*. It looks like I’ll be moving soon. Wow. Real life.

Back to full time hours most likely starting on Tuesday…moving possibly the following week….getting my kitty back. Wow. I really am moving forward. It kind of freaks me out a bit. In a good way, I think.

At least, in my life. But I think we’re all better now. My jeep, after spending ALL day in the shop on Friday was “fixed” until Sunday when I had to have her towed into the shop again. So, some more $ (cha ching cha ching) later, she’s all “fixed” now. I HOPE. I don’t want to deal with being stranded right now, and I refuse to take on a car payment right now!

Me, I was blessed with the stomach flu-thankfully just the nausea/achiness part of it. Yesterday I was OUT all day, and today I’m mostly better with the exception of the stomach issues. Still working through that, but the aches and pains are gone, thank goodness.

Sorry I wasn’t able to update before now-I just didn’t ever find time! For what was a fairly unplanned weekend, it became busy with the jeep on Friday, breakfast with a great friend, running errands and celebrating a 30th birthday with a friend, and then Sunday, more errands, and jeep issues again.

Ashley M & I at Annie Bailey’s having fun-SMOOCHIE SMOOCHIE, haha

Janay K, Ashley M & I-celebrating Janay’s big 3-0!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

My favorite pic of Kristen & I on our ski trip-couldn’t find this picture earlier

___

Today is 13 weeks. Next week, at 14 weeks, I will be celebrating what would have been our 2nd anniversary..hmmm. LOTS of reflection. After much thought, I decided I’m going out to CELEBRATE with my closest friends. I don’t want it to be too big, but just the people I’m closest to, we’ll go out to dinner and celebrate in a way that Kevin and I would have. It’s certainly intimidating to celebrate a momentous occasion without the other half that MAKES it so momentous. But I refuse to make that day about mourning, about loss. It was such a happy day, such an accomplishment for us. Not just to find our soulmates, but the completion of our immigration and long distance relationship struggles. Such a relief, such a time. I never want to make that day a sad day. I want to forever cherish the moment I said “I do”, for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

Today is beautiful-I LOVE SNOW. I really do. I’ve been secretly PRAYING and wishing for a blizzard, lol. Don’t hate me please. I love the beauty of it, and the fact that I have 4wd makes it much more tolerable for me. Although, I’m sure I won’t be saying this when we finally get an apartment in the city and I have to shovel out my space every time it snows, lol. I better watch what I pray for.

As for apartment hunting, *sigh*. Not the best luck. In the past 24 hours though, 3 BEAUTIFUL looking apartments, for reasonable pricing, came available listing on craigslist. I am seeing the one thursday morning and it’s out near centerville. It’s slighty higher in price, but they allow cats, and it’s a good location. Off street parking. The other two are both in the city-one in the far west end on Orange, and recently renovated, with basement storage. The other is on the east end of the city, 2nd floor, just renovated, and cheaper…so we’ll see. I’m still waiting to hear back from both the city landlords. The w. orange street one is most appealing, as it’s 1st floor, recently renovated and storage space, but I don’t know if they allow a cat….pray that one of these 3 will work out, as we’re needing to find something soon.

Tonight is the last of my group grief therapy, unless they cancel it if it starts snowing again. I hope not, as I want to exchange some information with another family I’ve really connected with while there. I have enjoyed this group meeting for the most part, but I also have found it stirs up lots of emotions and sadness. If I have a day like I did last wednesday again, I don’t think I’m going to do anymore therapy. I can’t handle the SUPER depression, if that’s what it’s going to stir up, ya know? Today I’m doing well…just still wrapping my head around him being…GONE. I know he is, but sometimes my brain just can’t process that information. It’s very clouded, but that’s ok. It’s normal, it’s allowed.

I am pleased to announce that I am 95% certain I will be starting the 2nd job! I will be doing clerical work for a local architect, and I think it will work out nicely. They’re very nice people and flexible, which is great. If it works out, I should start there tuesday mornings!

I am going to meet with my advisor at harrisburg area community college on Monday night. After lots of thought, as much as nuclear med. appeals to me, I do much better in social situations, and things dealing with the more literary/pr/customer service end of things. Pushing buttons and complex scientific stuff is NOT how my brain works, and never will be. I’m coming to accept that my writing, my open communication is just as healing and informative to people as getting those tests are to others. I still don’t quite know where I’m headed, but that’s ok. I don’t need to decide today, tomorrow, or even in a year. That’s the beauty of college-it’s there for any age. I’m not even 25 yet, so no need to freak out, lol.

I need to start writing the novel again. I need to bring those beautiful memories back into focus. I need to re-iterate to my brain the AMAZING, fabulous life I had with Kevin, not the horrifying, devastating death. Writing the blog has come so much easier to me, then writing stories. I’m better with on the fly type things…I guess you could call me a good BS’er, haha. I just find that my brain flows to my fingers so much easier in the present, than it does going back to the past to relive moments. But, what I need to do, is re-create those memories, those feelings, that love, into my fingers and put it down into text. I need to write this. Not only for myself, but because Kevin specifically asked me to write the story of us. It’s the least I can do to keep his memory alive for not only me, but for all of you. For all those to come who need to be touched, who need to understand, and who need to let go and live. Sarcoma may have took Kevin, but it never took his spirit, nor will it mine.

I spent all of last night tossing and turning because I kept getting nauseated. Woke up, showered, went back to bed and felt worse, so I called out sick. Took it easy today-chilled, drank sprite, did NOTHING, took a hot bath. Now? Feel worse. UGH. I think I just MAY have the real flu. Disastrous.

Otherwise-weekend was nice….but being sick, definitely NOT so nice. I am looking around for that bus that hit me, lol.

Exciting news from my Quad J Cancer Squad……

JERRY-whom has been suffering from esophagael cancer-met with his Dr. this week and guess what?

You won’t believe it.

I almost cried.

I want to cry.

It’s a miracle….

It’s amazing..

HE’S CANCER FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited. I promise-LONG LONG blogs to come by tomorrow. I’m hanging in..

Kristi and I are going to look at 2 apartments tonight. The one is a great 1st floor, 2 br on the west end for the cheapest we’ve found. Pray that it will suit our needs and they’ll approve us-it sounds PERFECT!

It looks like I should be moving out either the end of this month, or sometime next month. I will need HELP. I need boxes to pack up the things at my parents, and I could use a few pairs of MUSCLES for the big couch, bed, and just heavier boxes. Trucks wanted

If you can lend a hand, please let me know. I wouuld appreciate it so much. I truly pray this is the last time I move in a LONG LONG time. I’m so sick of it.

Thanks!

I never imagined that I would EVER say this, but I woud give anything for the distance between Kevin and I, just to be immigration and us in different countries. I could deal with that for a lifetime again if it meant he was stil here-that I could talk to him and our lives could go on.

I would give anything to care for him for years and years with him battling forward with this disease, despite how selfish of me that is. I would happily care for him for a lifetime if it meant he was still here.

I would give anything to just see him, smell him, hold him, touch him, talk to him, love him in PERSON, Just because his life ended, does not mean the love has ended. I am still madly and deeply in love with him, but he’s gone. it’s so frustrating.

Today is a sad sad day. I don’t know why, but I am feeling such a burdenous depression today. More so than anything I have felt in days, even weeks. I cant focus, my brain is on a different planet. Thankfully watching the kids today is making my day better and keeping my mind off of it, but my heart is so heavy today. I feel like I’m carrying around tons of grief, because I am.

I don’t know if it was my group grief therapy that stirred something, my lack of sleep from the past few nights, or just that it’s 12 weeks and 1 day. Maybe it’s my frustration with everything just adding up, and the grief is just so much more evident then. I don’t know. I hate this feeling. I know this is normal, but it sucks.

I truly think the last time I felt this sad and angry and depressed was over a month ago. I think the worst was just flipping through pictures on the computer this morning, of our apartment and Darrell..and him. I see my smiling Kevin with his handsome blue eyes, strong jaw, nice tan, and great muscles, haha. I see him and just can’t imagine that THAT life is gone. It’s not gone for me. It isn’t. In my mind, he is still my husband, in my mind..he’s just..welll, no. I know he’s gone. I’m not that little past the grief that I don’t know he’s not coming back. I realize that. It’s just….the understanding of it all. There’s absolutely no understanding, and I think that’s why it feels so overwhelming to accept.

My faith is unsteady. It’s not that it isn’t there, but, I’m angry. I don’t understand God at all. I don’t hate him, but I don’t really want to talk to him right now. My grief therapist says that’s ok-that’s all part of it. That God can handle it-he’s big enough to handle it. I’m glad He is, because I’m pretty angry right now, and I CAN’T handle it.

I wish I could feel some peace today. I wish something would feel ok today. Nothing does.

Take a guess….

MY CAT DARRELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahh-I look forward to having someone else in my bed besides me again!

Was he NOT the cutest kitten ever?

Darrell still loves to hide even as a grown kitten

This is Darrell’s most common position: licking wet heads. Almost everytime Kev showered, he’d get cleaned dry by Darrell. It was adorable.

One of my all time favorite pictures: My boys. Did I not have the most handsomest boys in the world?

And yes, the past two pictures Kev was wearing Winnipeg standard shirts: Fort Garry Brewery, the Winnipeg Blue Bombers

A Darrell Standard

Darrell LOVES looking out windows, so good viewing windows are a high criteria for his new home, haha.

Regal Darrell.

So….what am going to miss most about moving out? Well, besides CLOSE comfort of family, which is most times nice ( ), not having Kev to join me.