I heard this song tonight at LCBC’s christmas service..and for the life of me, I can’t remember the name, but it talks about eternity, life, death, and the beauty of salvation. And I cried..and it was beautiful.

I’m doing ok-I’m looking forward to Linda’s arrival later tomorrow night. She’ll be visiting for a week, so I may not be on here blogging as much as I usually am. I hope to have some FUN TIMES with her and to enjoy the holidays together.

The big announcement: I HAVE A JOB. IT’S OFFICIAL!

In Nov ’06 I took a job doing childcare and other household duties for family friend’s of ours. They had lost their mother/wife/grandmother, who cared for her grandchildren while her daughter worked. She passed from cancer..so just weeks after her passing, I took a job helping them.

I worked there for just under a year..and now…almost a year after leaving that position, I am going back to work taking care of the children again. It’s an unfortunate irony at our situations, but I think it’s a great move on both of our parts. I love the kids, they’re fun, and friendly, and full of energy and ZEST for life. It’s familiar, and comfortable, and it will be a great transition back to the workin world, part time. I don’t know how long I’ll do it for, but for now, it’s a great fit for both of us.

I am also looking into some other part time opportunities to supplement my part time hours doing childcare, and I think I have a possibility at a really great spot as well. God is working awesome things right now, and opening amazing doors.

I haven’t had much time to focus on novel writing, but I am still plugging away, only 6 pages in though . It’s hard to focus and just write. I have to be at a really good spot emotionally to push forward with the memories. It will come in time….

Wishing you all SAFE WONDERFUL travels and a wonderful Christmas holiday. Embrace those around you….and love beyond belief.

I am slowly but surely learning that life will go on. The past 24 hours have been extremely difficult. Lots and lots of tears and emotions flooding through. I had a horrible night’s sleep last night after a long cry, but woke feeling better with my cold, thankfully! It allowed me to spend the day with my sister and friends and just enjoy being out of the nest I’ve made here at home while being sick.

I’m still not tip-top, but I am heading in the right direction, thanks to anti-biotics. As for the pain, the anxiety, the horrific bitter taste in my mouth of complete loss? Well-that’s still a LONG way to go.

I’m learning to cry on others, rather than cry alone. It feels better to be held while crying I am learning. I’m also learning that while it’s ok to cry, it’s also ok to move forward to LIVE life and not to be in a cacoon. I never did well in a cacoon, so why should I now?

I’m trying very hard to find a job and line something up for the beginning of the year, however, the job search is not aiding me in this task. For all those dealing with unemployment, it is a bitter struggle right now. This economy is harsh, and the jobs that are available are few and far between. I am hoping that I can at least get in with a temp agency, or I may possibly look into getting on with a geriatric care home that will pay for Certified Nursing Assistant training. Just somethings I’m thinking about.

I really want to get a job, and get back on my own two feet again. I love being close to my family, but having lived on my own for about 5 years, it’s hard to be back with your parents no matter how wonderful, supportive, and not to mention CHEAP it is. I guess I want a bit of my independence back, I just wish it weren’t for this reason.

I really really really miss Kev. I miss so many things about him that I can’t even begin to type them. I miss most of all that I’m going to MISS out on what could have been a long, fruitful life together. However, I know that for God’s plan only, that was not meant to be.

So, after many tears and heartache, I am slowly learning that my life will go on, I will move forward. I will find love again in many different ways, I will find a good job that suits my needs and I will be able to live on my own again in a place I choose. I will write this novel to fulfill the legacy of my amazing husband, I will put on my happy face and do the things I love just as Kevin would have wanted. I will be a blessing and beacon to others walking this lonely path that cancer brings, and I will push forward to promote awareness and donations to sarcoma research and possible prevention. I will lift up those around me, as they have held me up through this mess, and I will stand strong with the ones I love to help them fight the battles that need faught. I am learning that life will go on.

I am also DEEPLY aware of some other struggles…I mentioned previously my Triple J Cancer Squad-that’s what I’m going to officially name them: Jerry with esophogael cancer, Jennifer with Angiosarcoma of the heart, and Julia with Adenosarcoma of the breast.

My Triple J Cancer Squad is struggling. Jerry with complications from MRSA, and being unable to swallow, Jennifer with complications from her open heart surgery and continued chemo treatments, and Julia as she is a new cancer patient entering chemotherapy, masectomy, more chemo, and hopefully NOT radiation.

I want you to lift up my Triple J Cancer Squad. I am a true believer that things come in 3s. My 3 cancer SURVIVORS (and you are all survivors in my book), just all happen to start their names with a J-I think that’s no coincidence. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers CONSTANTLY. I think so much of my journey, and I pray that the Lord brings you the miracles he has in store for all of us.

Please continue to pray for my Triple J Cancer Squad, for myself, for Linda and Ken, for my parents, my siblings, and all of us going through the trials and tribulations that this devastating disease CANCER has brought to our lives.

…and Thank you. Thank you for Keepin’ it Kevin even when I can’t.

I have been given a life of reflection. I always thought I was reflective upon life before, but certain situations in life cause us to look at things differently, to see a new perspective. I always felt like I had true, life experience. What I had was experience on some parts of life. Now, I have true life experience. It’s not to say that each of our journeys that we walk don’t give us some perspective, but some journeys certain give different people the tools they need to deal with nearly anything/everything. God gave us those tools for a reason, a purpose, most times a purpose beyond our own understanding.

I am a married women who lost her husband. Now a widow. It’s a devastating thing to think about. I have no clue why I’m meant to walk this journey, but I’m being handed bits and pieces along the way that show me, that through my tragedy, I am touching other’s lives. It’s hard for me to comprehend many times. But I am glad that my journey can give others focus and some new direction in their lives.

I am not saying that I necessarily feel it was worth it. I don’t know that any widow feels like it is ever “worht it” to lose their spouse to a purpose and journey that they may never understand. But then again, it all comes down to faith. My faith is hard right now. I plead to God for understanding, for direction, for ANOTHER purpose in life than what I have been handed. But I know that nothing can be changed in the past. The only thing I have now is a past. My future is unknown and completely un-directional. For once in my life, i have fully accepted not having a path or way to go. I no longer have a plan. For me, and those who know me, this is big. Huge, infact.

I can’t imagine the journey I have ahead of me. Do I work full time or part time? When do I REALLY start looking? Where will I live and make my home? How long do I stay living with my parents? How long will I continue to think about Kevin’s death instead of his life? How long will I stay angry at this disease and question God for why? When will this raw, intense pain go away, or will it ever? Is there anything I could have done differently? Why do I blame myself for things beyond my control? Why do I feel so alone despite being surrounded by an amazing God and great friends family? What choices am I going to make in this journey that I will regret later? Why do I feel anger towards what others say despite their good intentions? Where is my heart??????

There are way too many intense questions that I am asking, and too many questions that are being asked of me that are beyond trivial. I don’t want to deal with trivial right now. The legal, the medical, the financial…all these things are so trivial to me right now. They are merely fillers that are distracting from the big purpose that I am addressing right now in life. I don’t want to be asked those questions. Trust me, I wrote down those questions, and I think about them, but they are not the heart of the matter right now. They are not, nor should they ever be!!! (I type this shouting in my head)

Why have we, despite our tragedies, become so involved in the filler and trivial matters of life?? Why can’t we/others see the heart of the matter. The devastation that surrounds our lives…yes, it’s depressing. But for those of us who have been given the give of faith and love, why don’t we share that with the depressive matters of the world more? Why have we become so wrapped up in the filler?

Just a few of my reflective, angry thoughts swirling around. I can’t stop thinking about Kevin’s death. Watching that. It’s destroying me, and I can’t think of anything more right now. It hurts so bad to think about his suffering, his will to live, his determination. I wish I still had that. I wish I had him to push my willpower on, but each day, I feel like I’m losing him a little bit more. I hate that. And so enters grief counseling and exactly WHY I need to go.

It just plain hurts. It just plain sucks. Welcome to the life of a 24 year old widow who lost everything to Angiosarcoma. Where do I start again?

Talking to a friend online last night, I realized that I probably have an openness that most people don’t. I don’t have the ticker working anymore that shows me how many people look at the site each day, but so far the highest was around 2400 different people in 1 day. Insane. So, that means, my thoughts, viewpoints, and just the story has been shared with as many as 2400 people a day. Wow. I guess that’s an openness!

I like sharing with you my life, our life, our journey. It keeps things in perspective for me, and as I said before, has been more than therapeutic. My thoughts are, if this can help someone else, GREAT.

I have had a good 24 hours. Yesterday I kind of lounged around the house after finally falling asleep at 4am. The bond movie was LATE (or early!), and then I stayed up a few more hours. So, took advantage of sleeping in. Then, I met Joni for a little retail therapy, and then joined her at a friends house for a jewelry party with the girls. It was a good time, and nice to be around new people.

My new laptop arrived yesterday. I don’t know if I posted this before, but I found an AMAZING deal on this TINY TINY laptop (it’s only 9″), that Kurt suggested for me. It was cheap, and it does the simple things I need it to do: write, blog, email, internet, music. Fun! It’s very exciting to work on. It’s literally the size of a paperback book. It’s the perfect coffee shop writers laptop.

Yesterday I had a bit of a downer, when I got a message that Willow Valley (where I interviewed earlier this week) was still looking for the position and I would hear something in 1-2 weeks. From their initial information, they said I would know the next day. So, I’m assuming that none of us were qualified or fit into the position, so they’ll continue to interview. I was a bit disappointed, but also kind of excited. As I said before, I’m scared to go back to work so soon, and I think this is God telling me to take the time I need. I did put out some more applications and resumes earlier this week, so we’ll see if they come to fruition.

Since I won’t be starting a new job anytime soon, I’ve decided it’s time to take a much needed vacation! I have close friends in San Francisco and Seattle who have offered up their homes to me. So, it is confirmed that the friend in Seattle is a-ok with my stay, and I am still waiting to confirm with my firend in San Fran, but I don’t see it being a problem. The plan tickets from Phila-San Fran-Seattle-Phila are A STEAL. Seriously, I couldn’t get INTO THE JEEP for as cheap as they are. Haha. I am quite excited. I plan to take the laptop with, get some focus, work on some creativity, and visit some cool places. I have been to San Fran, but almost 7 years ago, and only for 2 or 3 days. I’m excited to do more exploring there. And, despite living just a few hours away, I never got to see Seattle. So, I am very excited and I hope it all works out. I think I”ll be away from early December to mid-december for this trip. I really really hope it works out.

I am doing pretty well..I haven’t had any breakdowns in 24 hours..to be honest, my mind hasn’t really processed Kevin’s passing in that time either. As I said, it comes and goes. Overall, I know Kevin wants me to be happy, to have fun, to LIVE. He was so adament about that while he was sick to, in making time to see friends and family and do things that were fun once in a while. I know he would want that for me now. Sometimes it just stinks having to do things by myself, that I would have loved to share with him. In fact, ALL TIMES it stinks to do those things by myself. But I know Kevin wouldn’t want me to give any of those things up, because I loved them, and he loved them. It just helps me cherish those times all the more.

Thank you for your continued prayers and awesome support. I hope you all have an amazing weekend. Be glad in the moment…as hard as it may be.

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Technology is great isnt it? I am attempting to type this blog from this TINY TINY laptop I have. It’s wonderful. Only 9″ big. Insane!

Not much to type, but today was nice. I am finalizing details to travel to San Fran and Seattle in early December since it looks like I won’t have a job to start. Oh well.

Thinking of you all, and I’ll type more when I get used to this tiny keyboard!

I kind of feel guilty saying this, but overall, today was a good day. Despite not wanting to get up this morning (facing the official 2 weeks since…), I eventually got my bum moving and went to lunch with a great friend. Afterwards, I went to the interview and it went surprisingly well. I have no clue if they’ll hire me, but they’re flexible with when I want to start. The only concern I have is I think it’s only 20 hours instead of 24, which means I may not qualify for benefits. So…we’ll just see what I’m offered and go from there.

Tonight I got out of the house with a friend for coffee and it was just GOOD. One vice I have picked up is a new coffee addiction, but I figure that’s better than any of the alternatives!

Pray for Linda as she had a rough day and really needs support. We all have bad days and good days, and, of course, they aren’t always going to corelate (sp?).

I’m very adament about taking my own timeline on things. After discussing everything with my friends today, I am on the “right” track. The fact is, for the past 4 months my minute by minute job was taking care of Kevin. That WAS my job whether it was official employment or not.

My life is gone. I don’t say this to sound hopeless, because I am not hopeless. In fact, for whatever reason, God handed me a clean slate, a new life. As much as I want my old one back, I don’t have a choice. I no longer have a job, a home (that’s “mine”), a husband, a routine, even my car is different. The only thing I have left is faith, family and friends. My triple f, which is helping me immensely.

So, for me to go to a “routine” and “get back in the swing of things” isn’t going to happen. There is no SWING OF THINGS. As I said, I am hopeful, but it’s not going to be easy. Everything I do from here on out is new and different and will take even more time adjusting to. Starting a new job is NEVER easy, let alone when you’re an emotional basketcase and a new widow. In time, I’ll want to find my own place, in time, I’ll have a new routine. In time.

So….in time, this will happen. But I’m not going to rush it. I’m going to take weeks…maybe even months to “get back in the swing of things”. I am putting this out there because for me, finding a job, a “routine” isn’t really helpful to me right now. It scares me to death, and trust me, I’mfinding things to fill my time with. I don’t have an immediate need to go back to work, to set a schedule. My immediate life right now is getting through each minute and doing things for myself.

..and that’s what I need to do. So thank you for respecting that and giving me this time. Thank you for allowing me this because this is all I need right now. Faith, family and friends. Everything else will fall into place as it is supposed to, and I’m not going to rush a thing.

So..it’s been a good day. And I pray tomorrow will be as well.

So today I am taking one of very few premature baby steps. I have my first interview today, with Willow Valley, for a physical therapy aide position. It’s a part time, flexible, M-F position, no weekends or holidays, and it has benefits. It would be AMAZING. For those who know me, I have worked at Willow Valley in 3 separate positions/facilities prior to this, so I know them well. I think pretty much every person of my age has worked at Willow Valley at one point in their lives. It’s a local retirement community that is constantly expanding.

As I said, it would be a great position to get…either way though, it depends on timelines. I applied for this probably over a month ago, and they’re only now interviewing me (after some struggles with the HR department to get them to work around the memorial schedules). So, I am really praying they are not in a rush. I’m not ready to start back immediately. Despite not “working” for 4 months, I HAVE been working my bum off harder than I ever have before for the past 4 months. I just want to take a few weeks and have some me time. Adjust to life, figure out the next step to take.

I am praying that you, my friends and family, allow me this time. I know people want to see me jump back in the saddle because they think it will help. But I have to do this my way. And right now, my way is to take it slow and figure out what’s next. Not to mention, SO MUCH paperwork has to be done to get his affairs in order, and I’ll need a few weeks just to get through that nightmare.

Please pray that the interview goes well not only to get the position, but for their understanding of my life timeline right now. Pray that doors open that I can visit friends in other places and that I can really find a path to take. Pray that I find some purpose, that I find my voice again to write more dedicatedly and maybe even start this novel. Pray that people allow me the freedom and time I need to mourn and grieve of my own will. Pray for guidance.

Thanks all. Much love.

..through another day that is. This morning was just undeniably rough. I crawled back in bed after reading the obit, and just wept and thought about all the things I miss about Kev. I just couldn’t get going. Around 11, Joni and Bethany came over, and we ate lunch until we headed out to go shopping for my outfit for the service.

For once in my life, it wasn’t a fun trip. Not to mention, it wasn’t an occasion I wanted to shop for, but also because I couldn’t find ANYTHING that fit/looked/good or even many dresses. So, finally, after about 3 hours, I found a very pretty teal dress that I feel pretty in. It has spunk, and I know Kevin would love it. I just REFUSE to wear all black for this. It’s a life celebration and I want to celebrate Him…I am mourning him enough right now.

We did get some good things accomplished today, and I got my engagement ring and Kevin’s wedding ring back from the jeweler. Ironically, I had sent them to get re-sized last week as an early Christmas gift for Kev. It’s a sad irony, but now I get to wear BOTH shiny rings and keep his constant love around my finger.

We also finally found a place for the Winnipeg Wake. It will be held next Sunday, November 9th, at the conservatory at Assiniboine Park. Kevin would have LOVED it. He took me to the pavilion at Assiniboine Park the first time I was up in Winnipeg for New Year’s Eve. It’s just such a beautiful area. I am not sure all the details yet, but keep that day open please.

Pray I get all the details finished for the service on Sunday by tonight so I can just enjoy the time with my family right now. I plan to fly up to Winnipeg with Linda and Ken on Wednesday evening and stay until the following Monday.

Also pray for a possible job interview I got a call about. It’s an excellent opportunity, but they are not willing to arrange it for when I will still be here, even though they know about the current situation I am in. It’s very frustrating, and if they are not willing to work around THIS for the interview, it’s just not worth it. What a shame if it doesn’t.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support…