Most widow(er)s need more than the good break of a wishbone to survive Thanksgiving, or any holiday for that matter. We must come into the holidays with armor: Kevlar style.

Top 10 Things that Should be in ALL Widow(er)’s Turkey Toolkit:

10. The buddy system. We all, or most of us, have that friend who stuck by our side through this incredible mess of death. They are the ones who bitched out the people who left us and the ones who said the wrong thing, and brought us flowers, chocolates, and paid for our drinks. They will, in fact, also be willing to skip Thanksgiving with their incredible *cough* families to be by your side for the Thanksgiving shenanigans with your family, or scarier yet, your in-laws.

9. Make your own top 10 list of the incredible things you are doing in your life, however meager they may seem. Make ‘em sound GOOD. “yeah, I started a blog and am really enjoying connecting with other widows!” The backbone to this could be that you posted on note on your facebook page ranting about your family in particular, and another woman seconded your opinion. But still, it’s a start. Did you get out of bed yesterday? Stretch it a little! “I woke up early yesterday and got all the things on my to do list done before work!” They don’t have to know that your to do list was simply to get out of bed on time for once. Accomplishments give you positive things to chat about.

8. The good times. Most likely, if your family or his/her family is comfortable with at least acknowledging the life of the person who passed, discussions will come around to “the good times”. I have heard HORROR stories about families who twisted those good times to mean that the spouse who is left, ruined them all. But we know, this is not the case. So how about YOU bring up the good times first? Think of one of the most positive memories you can of your deceased spouse, and in particular, try to choose one that involves the people with whom you’re sharing Thanksgiving. “Remember the time that we had that BBQ and you all came over and so & so fell into the pool?” Always good for a laugh, and a happy memory of when all of you were happy TOGETHER. Let’s just hope the other party doesn’t twist it into the fact that Uncle Frank also got drunk and hit on your mother in law at that same BBQ.

7. Bring tissues. At some point, you’re going to cry. Some smell or activity, or part of the day will remind you of your deceased spouse. The first Thanksgiving, just 4 weeks after Kevin died, it was seeing my widowed grandmother, who has now passed, and the look in her eyes of sadness. I broke, and hugged her like nothing else. Don’t just bring tissues, bring the whole dang box.

6. Have in your mind a hideaway spot. You will get overwhelmed. No question, don’t think you might be able to handle it. Just understand that you will want to escape. Whether your siblings are reflecting on their great vacation they took with their spouse and his family, or the new grandchild that has just arrived, or the 50th wedding anniversary of your parents. There are going to be many bitter reminders of what you no longer have. Run up to your old room. Go to the basement where the pets are hidden away. Sneak a cigar or a drink on the back porch. Take a moment to breathe completely on your own and away from it all. Recollect yourself, and go back in with your Kevlar.

5. Use this time to reconnect or make amends. You probably said something hurtful to your family after your spouse died. You may still mean it, and they may still mean some of the pretentious things they said to you. But for this day, you need to let go of it for a few hours. The fact is, family is family as much as you may hate to admit that. They’re still there. Even if you’re not getting along, put aside the differences. I don’t have children, but I think if I did, it would be important for me to have a peaceful holiday gathering with my family and his family for my child. Be the bigger person, because you already know you are.

4. Have an after-festivities fun plan. Meet up with you buddies for a drink. Take a long drive somewhere special for the evening. Plan that midnight crazy Black Friday shopping trip. Have something to look forward to that will get you through the holiday. You know that this will only last a few hours, and then you can let loose and do something you really WANT to do.

3. Pick out your favorite family and stick to ‘em like glue. You have a cousin you LOVE. Your Aunt is a total trip and makes you laugh. Don’t be afraid to stick by their side all day long just to make it through the day. They are your glue.

2. Bring dessert. Yes, amazing dessert. Dessert that makes the Cake Boss look like Joe Schmo. Fluffy, decadent, and delicious. Bring a dessert that people talk about, and something that gifts comfort to you. Know that after the dinner of awkward conversations surrounding your loved one, you can dive into this and forget the rest.

1. Skip it all. When it comes down to it, you ALWAYS have options. If this is part of your toolkit, you can forget the rest! If this holiday is just too tough to share with others, and you instead want to have chinese with your entire bottle of Pinot Grigio, I ain’t gonna judge.

Whatever you choose, have yourself a ______ Thanksgiving.

We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

I never knew just how alone you could feel, despite being surrounded by your family friends, and several hundred people. But tonight, I now know. And I kinda of wish I didn’t. In a lot of ways, I wish I didn’t know it was Christmas eve, or that tomorrow was to be Christmas, because then I woudn’t feel the immensity of being alone with Kev on this joyous holiday. But it’s unavoidable, and he’s not here, and despite all those around me, it feels so very cold and alone.

Kev, you were ALWAYS the best Christmas present ever. I never needed anything more than you to hold on a day filled with such joy. And now you’re gone, what am I to do now with this?

I just don’t understand…and it hurts so terribly to be experiencing my first Christmas without you. I only got one Christmas with you to be married, and already it’s gone. It’s so bitter. Christmas feels so empty and solemn without you. Intead of celebrating the birth of my savior, I am mourning the death of you, my soulmate. I cannot understand God’s plan right now, and everytime I realize why it is I’m sitting somewhere alone, the desperation of this situation smacks me like a bullet.

So this is Christmas……

I miss you baby.

Kevin with his cousin's son Matthew in Toronto-Christmas 2007

Santa Kevy

The Boitson Family in Toronto, Christmas 2007

Our First & Last Christmas together being Married..

Kevin after eating too much at Christmas dinner

Up Close & Personal-hahahha

Kevin hiding underneath his Team Canada Jersey-his favorite!

I feel a lot of emotions at this being the first Christmas without Kevin. I feel many emotions that our first Christmas together as a married couple, was also our last. It just doesn’t feel fair or adequate for the feelings we felt throughout our 3+ years together as a couple. I feel like we SHARED so much, in such a short amount of time.

Of course I’m said..disappointed…and a bit devastated. These holidays have been hard for me, and I’ve spent the last week and a half crying almost every day about something. And unfortunately, a lot of it has to do with seeing others in their complete happiness. Shopping together, out with the kids, the excitement of making Christmas plans together as a couple. I’m jealous, darnit. Why shouldn’t I be? I don’t get to do that this year…

I’m blessed in numerous ways, and it is so wonderful to have all my family here (except for Ken, but he sends his love and Christmas wishes) with me. It feels good to be all together, yet I know a huge link of us is missing. That void is still open and raw and terrifying.

I just want to ask for special prayer over the next few days for myself. I feel inadequate to be able to handle Christmas without Kev. I’m scared to, because I know I’m going to break, but I guess that’s ok. Pray for strength, sound mind, and comfort from above. Pray that I can find the beauty in being with the family I have, and to know that the Lord’s plan ahead is perfect. Pray for wisdom and guidance on my steps in life.
Thank you….

..But in the meantime, celebrate! Embrace those you love and PLEASE, under no circumstances, do not forget the Christmas wish. The Christmas Blessing of Baby Jesus. It truly is a miracle. Read the story with your family, your children. Bless those around you with love and support and be patient over these times in our lives. Above all, Love.

Wishing you & yours a truly lovely Christmas and the best of times ahead. Merry Christmas.

I heard this song tonight at LCBC’s christmas service..and for the life of me, I can’t remember the name, but it talks about eternity, life, death, and the beauty of salvation. And I cried..and it was beautiful.

I’m doing ok-I’m looking forward to Linda’s arrival later tomorrow night. She’ll be visiting for a week, so I may not be on here blogging as much as I usually am. I hope to have some FUN TIMES with her and to enjoy the holidays together.

The big announcement: I HAVE A JOB. IT’S OFFICIAL!

In Nov ’06 I took a job doing childcare and other household duties for family friend’s of ours. They had lost their mother/wife/grandmother, who cared for her grandchildren while her daughter worked. She passed from cancer..so just weeks after her passing, I took a job helping them.

I worked there for just under a year..and now…almost a year after leaving that position, I am going back to work taking care of the children again. It’s an unfortunate irony at our situations, but I think it’s a great move on both of our parts. I love the kids, they’re fun, and friendly, and full of energy and ZEST for life. It’s familiar, and comfortable, and it will be a great transition back to the workin world, part time. I don’t know how long I’ll do it for, but for now, it’s a great fit for both of us.

I am also looking into some other part time opportunities to supplement my part time hours doing childcare, and I think I have a possibility at a really great spot as well. God is working awesome things right now, and opening amazing doors.

I haven’t had much time to focus on novel writing, but I am still plugging away, only 6 pages in though . It’s hard to focus and just write. I have to be at a really good spot emotionally to push forward with the memories. It will come in time….

Wishing you all SAFE WONDERFUL travels and a wonderful Christmas holiday. Embrace those around you….and love beyond belief.

I am finding that this past week being home has been really emotional. It’s been hitting me very hard, being home, without Kevin. Last night, while shopping at Target, I almost broke down crying in the middle of the home decorations aisle over nothing. I just wanted to curl up into a bawl, in the middle of the floor, and bawl hysterically. But I made it out…only to do just that in my Jeep. It was difficult. So, I made a pit stop at a close friend’s house on the way home to sob on their shoulders. I’ve been doing a lot of impromptu crying over the past few days.

The holidays are hitting me hard. It’s not that I didn’t expect that to happen, I just hoped I could handle it. But no one can prepare you for the array of emotions you feel spending your first big holidays alone as a widow. And yes, despite all those wonderful people surrounding you, you still feel alone. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s a miserable, cold, bitter feeling.

I’m so glad that my MIL, Linda, is coming to visit. It’ll be nice to have her to spend some time with, and to be together over the holidays. Please keep Ken in your thoughts and give him a ring over the holidays, as he’ll be back in Winnipeg alone. I think about him often, and how he is dealing, how we’re all dealing. I know I’m not alone in this loss.

I’m just pressing on….pushing forward. One milisecond at a time it feels like…

I’m back to “life”, whatever I make of it at this point. I’m adjusting to being back East, and I’m actually LOVING the snow. I like it’s freshness and beauty. It’s refreshing. Not to mention, I’m anxious to try out my 4wd in it, but don’t worry, I don’t plan to be ONE OF THOSE 4WD drivers.

The past few days I’ve just been re-adjusting to the East and looking for jobs. I’m applied for a few, and have 1 big prospect. I should have the official decision within a few days, but it looks like it’ll work out perfectly for both parties. I’ll post more when I know more, but I’m pretty excited!

I’m busy getting my last minute Christmas shopping done. I really wish I had more money to donate to causes over the holidays. I know that local food banks are especially feeling the hardest hit this year. There are so many without employment this year, and it’s causes many other headaches in the housing industry. So many people are without a “home”. I encourage you to donate in a loved one’s honor this holiday season, and to make a commitment to donate your time to a cause in the new year.

Whether it’s donating a few hours to Habitat for Humanity, donating time serving at the food bank or a shelter, giving towards ministries and missions, donating to a medical/health cause that is close to your heart…whatever it is. If you dont’ have $, find TIME. We all have a FEW hours (at least) that we waste every week, so please make the most of it. Make a commitment!

I’m super excited about the new year, new slate. I have some commitments that I’m making to take care of my body, soul and mind. I’m going to continue with my counseling, and work on becoming healthy and taking care of myself. Kevin wanted me to get in shape and take care of myself, so this is not only a commitment to myself, but my promise to him.

One day at a time………sometimes 1 minute at a time. I’m pushing through and hoping to survive these holidays….

PS-If you’ve been hesitating getting on contact with me, STOP IT. Pick up the phone. I want to hear from my friends and family who haven’t called in quite a while!

This is the true story of a 5-yr old Lititz girl, Hannah Garman, who was diagnosed with glioblastoma multiforme, a rare and incurable brain tumor. She has been given 12 weeks to live and is currently in her 7th week. She was going to be the flower girl at a wedding in May, but was diagnosed a week after we asked her to be the flower girl. This is especially sad because her mother died 2 yrs ago from breast cancer.

Right now she has lost most of her motor skills. She is confined to bed and cannot really do anything or play with the gifts she is getting from people, but she LOVES getting cards – she has gotten so many from people she does not know and just loves to have grandma read about the people who send them and see their pictures and is so proud of all her cards. Her room is just filled with cards.

When asked what she wants for Christmas she said she wants to see how many Christmas cards she can get. Many people have passed this wish along to their churches, prayer groups, friends and family. There are school groups where children are making her cards. People are including pictures so she can see who it is that is sending her the card.

If you would like to help with her wish, you can send a card to her at:
Hannah Garman
704 Orchard Rd
Lititz, PA 17543

THANKS! Feel free to pass this along to your own prayer group, church, school, etc. Let’s see if we can have the cards coming in big postal bags for her this Christmas, since it will be her last holiday.

P.S. You can also send my email to anyone you forward this to, if they have questions. sheripie@hotmail.com

here a website that you go visit:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/hannahgarman

All Hannah want is to see how many christmas cards that she can recieve by Christmas. Wont ya send this little girl a christmas card. Please send her a christmas card. I’m sure she would appreate it.

Experiencing loss just before the hoiday seasons is never easy. While I had a nice thanksgiving (and as usual ate WAY too much-haha), it was still so hard to experience this holiday without Kev.

I really miss him so much. I haven’t been able to cry for a few days, and that’s frustrating. I know it comes and goes, and I should enjoy my rest from that type of mourning, but it’s still hard to NOT be able to accept not crying. Sometimes I feel like without tears, I’m not mourning him the way I should be, or want to be.

I’m feeling very lonely, despite everyone around me. I know I have such a great support system, and I am so appreciative for them, but it still feels lonely without Kev to share life with. I truly miss just not having him to talk to, to see on certain moments. It feels so lonely to not have him hear to help take care of me while I’m sick now.

Just a sad time of year right now, and being pretty sick with this nasty bronchitis doesn’t help.