I often wonder if the things I am passionate about are good enough.  Who else cares about National Parks as much as I?  At one point, Edward Abbey would’ve beat me out, but he’s dead now.  When I think about the fact that I’ve refocused my attention from my volunteer pursuits with Team Sarcoma and Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation, and moved them to the National Park Service, I wonder who and what I’m letting down.

About 8 months ago I decided to take a break from volunteering actively with Team Sarcoma and the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation to go a more lighthearted direction and volunteer at the visitors center at Hopewell Furnace National Historic Site in Elverson, PA, about an hour from my home.  This weekend was the first weekend that I struggled with that decision.  As my close widow friends gathered for Camp Widow East, I missed them, I missed the interaction with the organization, I wanted to buy a plane ticket and head straight to Myrtle Beach, but I couldn’t.  There were no reasonably priced plane tickets (yes, I checked), and I was committed to attend the volunteer appreciation picnic at the historic site at the start of National Park week.

It was a good decision.

Today I was given 2 certificates – one with my maiden name, and one with my married name, along with a good harassment from Frank, the volunteer coordinator at the site.  I’m really happy I am volunteering there.  My dream of one day becoming a park ranger has not gone away, and I wonder if it may just start there.  Tweets from gals attending Camp Widow made me miss them and wish I was there, but dinner with local friends last night ebbed away some of those disappointment thoughts.

Cancer and grief organizations are of great importance to me.  Without these organizations and people having entered my life, I can’t imagine what kind of mental state I would be in today.  But, taking a break from being actively involved in them has given me a chance to regain focus on the living, the thriving, the good in the world.  Being consumed with sorrow all the time is not healthy.

Volunteering for the NPS helps me feel alive, active in a community, and a part of the preservation of the country and land that I love.  So yes, that’s pretty important.  It’s life or death, but in a whole different realm – environmentally.

After trekking to Philly and back for work, I wasn’t sure I was feeling settled and creative to be able to attend the Writers Support Group I helped to launch at our local library (Mountville Public Library).  I had only made it to 1 session myself, and the director of the library told me people had only asked about it but no one had showed up yet for the 2 & 4th Tuesday gatherings.  I decided I should go since I couldn’t make the next meeting due to being on my honeymoon (woot woot).

And tonight, I was blessed by attending. 

I met an amazing woman – she lives locally, but spent much of her life in Iran, her home country, Brazil and the UK.  She holds masters in English, Music, Psychology, and speaks many different languages.  She was a true spirit – she shared her writing with me, and we both teared up as she described her longing for her home country.  We talked about my loss, her loss, and how lives lead us down these strange paths.  She told me she has bone cancer, and I wanted to put up that wall.  I wanted to shield myself from getting to know her any better, but at the end of the night, she hugged me and wished me well on my honeymoon.

This woman didn’t know much about me, but she shared some great spiritual insight on God gifting our loved ones too us for a short amount of time.  She said she had explained this to her granddaughter, who was wondering how she would cope, if her Grandma were to die.  She didn’t realize that she was also giving me great comfort with this insight.

I never know who I am going to meet and how they will touch my life.  I meet new people every day in my job, and nearly every day I come home in awe at the amazing, powerful, joyous, and empowered people that walk on this earth.  I am truly blessed to be able to meet them and to discover bits and pieces of what makes them so interesting.

I’m going to continue working to have an open mind when I head into new experiences; I never know who I am going to meet.

Wed morning my Great Uncle John was found dead in a field.  It sounds solemn, but the way he was found there, makes me wish, hope, pray, that he thought he was going to sleep.

After hearing the news that he had gone missing Tuesday afternoon all kinds of worry consumed me.  As a man in the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s, I knew his wits were not about him.  I remembered my late Grandfather’s battle with the disease, and how confused he could be about his surroundings.

When the search resumed Wed morning at 8 am, I wanted to help however I could, so I took off work to volunteer to search.  Our team of 6 volunteers and 2 Fireman searched neighbors’ barns and hidden places until we got word that another team had found John.

When I looked around at all the folks I knew, from second and third cousins, to great aunts/uncles, to fireman and EMTs that had volunteered when my Dad was an active fireman and EMT, to my high school prom date who now serves a great organization, I felt the deep sense of community and my Mennonite roots.

For the past 5+ years I’ve struggled to find peace with religion, particularly my Mennonite heritage.  I think I’ve been holding a grudge against my Mennonite upbringing and I’m not sure why.  Maybe it’s because in adulthood, I’ve been forced to face some deep and dark questions that were not posed to me in my youth (widowhood, death, sex, other religions/beliefs, acceptance).  I feel blame because I felt unable to ask some of these questions for fear of being judged.  I don’t know where that fear came from. Religion, God, Authority?

The blame, though, is misplaced.  There is nothing wrong with asking or raising questions, especially about religion and faith.  I am seeing that now.  I also find that my upbringing has helped me find a deep appreciation of community, moreso even than my appreciation of faith.  I see the strong ties of being a part of a deep roots community and the way that community steps up in times of need; as they did this week, and as they did 4 years ago when Kevin was ill.

This past week also unveiled life to me again.  Being outside in nature sometimes does that for me; being invigorated by the Sun and the Wind, elements that help to sustain life.  I had a similar feeling a couple of years ago when I was driving past a cornfield and saw the Sun in its brilliance for the first time in the months since Kevin had died.  The unveiling of grief.

Yesterday could have clouded me again, with the loss of life, of family.  Instead it made me look at where I am heading in life and how I am getting there.  Fretting over my disorganized life living between 2 homes; worrying about cleaning up and staying organized after the holidays; thinking about entering the publishing contest for my memoir; wishing my wedding plans would just be set so I could enjoy the present moments.  I’m forgetting to live in the now and thinking too much about what “needs” to be done in the future, completely forgetting to live in the present.

It’s hard to relax, to soak in what I have now.  After all I’ve been through, all I’ve been shown, you would think living in the now would come the easiest to me, but that’s the furthest from the truth.  It’s sad to me that the death of my great Uncle is what causes this refocus, but sometimes that’s what it takes.  I hope my restlessness can find peace just as I hope John is finding peace above at this time.

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How do you strive to live in the now?  How do you embrace what’s in your life now?  How do you put off worrying about the future?

I meagerly followed Shawn, Maile, and their 4 children’s journey cross the United States via their blogs, but that didn’t prepare me for the internal struggles they dealt with day in and out as they shared in their new book, “How to Use a Runaway Truck Ramp.”  Trips are never just about the places to visit, the scenic routes one takes to check another location off the list.  In a very rambling post podcast I posted back in June you may recall that I have some very strong opinions about traveling reflecting more of our past struggles, present lives, and future dreams, than travel is about the destination.

Shawn and Maile’s back and forth reflections of their 10,000 mile trip, written in a blog style format, bring to light the questions many of us ask in our day to day journeys; theirs being more enhanced by backdrops of New Orleans poverty, and the great depths of the Grand Canyon.  As Shawn questions his ability to make a living as a writer and to follow the path he feels faithfully called, Maile expresses her frustrations with parenting on the road and questioning her faith in God’s protection.

The book is a leisurely read with some visually written inspirations of their physical journey, heartfelt pleas for God to answer their prayers in some form, and soul stretching calls for not only themselves, but each of us to look deeper into ourselves to see beyond the mundane numbers that may drive our 9-5 choices.  Throughout each post, I found myself questioning my own motives for my career choice and path, wondering where my gumption was to finished my memoir once and for all, and wondering how in the world they are able to work past their trust issues with God.  Their questions are some of my own.

The Smuckers journey across the U.S. is a great read if you love travel, have an inkling to pursue a dream, and are raising a Christian family.  I wish the best for them as they plant their seeds in a new area of Lancaster and continue to seek after some of those unanswered questions.

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If you would like a Kindle or Paperback version of “How to Use a Runaway Truck Ramp” by Shawn & Maile Smucker, please leave a question for me, Shawn, or Maile regarding travel, pursuit of dreams, and/or family.  One random person will be selected to win a free copy of this new book by the end of this week.

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Shawn Smucker is the author of How to Use a Runaway Truck Ramp and Building a Life Out of Words. He lives in Lancaster County, PA with his wife Maile and their four children. You can find him on Twitter and Facebook, and he blogs (almost) daily at shawnsmucker.com Maile blogs at mailesmucker.blogspot.com

I have known Jessica most of my life – from Pioneer Clubs at Pequea Brethren in Christ to Youth Group, School and our Marching Band days, we’ve spent a lot of time together.  I haven’t seen Jess since that time, though, and when we became friends on Facebook I was so surprised by her confidence in her posts.  I remembered Jessica as shy to the extreme, something she does not deny.  When I asked if she would consider writing about this change on my blog, she agreed but said it would take time.  What she gave me was unexpected.  She has a poetic unapologetic view of her faith in Jesus and she attributes this to her confidence transformation.  In spite of my own struggles with faith and belief in higher powers, I admire her passion and zeal for the pursuit of her own.  Take some time to reflect on her journey today.

Jessica G. is a Pediatric Home Health Nurse in Lancaster, PA and loves making music,

designing light shows, animals, cheese and riding roller coasters.

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When Brenda asked me to write a post on confidence I was wondering why she thought I was confident. I am the last person I would call confident. I mean as long as I’ve known myself I’ve always been this quiet girl that kept to herself. I never spoke a word unless I thought it was worth listening to. I was embarrassed (literally, bright red in the face) of any sound that came from me and I’d have been happy to go mostly unnoticed. Confident? NO WAY! I had it bad!
Looking back on my growing up years I’ve realized one of the biggest reasons I was that way was because I was afraid of what everyone thought of me. And I mean EVERYONE! I thought I wasn’t good enough (and I am not) so I was embarrassed. I lacked confidence so I sought my worth in the approval of others since I wasn’t finding it in myself. I didn’t know how crippling that fear was back then or how it would steal my joy. Thankfully, I am not that scared little girl anymore.
There are so many things that we try to put our confidence in. Where do you put your confidence? In your job? In your family? Your hobbies? Credentials? Money? Abilities? Education? Other people’s approval? Something else? How about in yourself? Why is your confidence in these? Some of these can be good things, but is it possible that these could let you down? Is there even one that will NEVER let you down?
I think confidence is very closely related to worth and trust. You can’t trust what you’re not confident in and you can’t put confidence in what you don’t trust.  Or in what isn’t worthy to be trusted.
So, where should we put our confidence? I wish I had figured out ‘The Answer’ to this long before I actually did. It would have spared me much misery and given me so much more joy in everyday life! It’s sort of like stopping to smell the roses by hanging your head out the car window as you’re whizzing on by without getting the thorns caught in your nose …or being able to laugh if you do have to deal with a fresh nosebleed. There is joy in the journey even when the journey is tough. So it is with the journey to confidence.
Since my lack of confidence was due to a fear of others’ disapproval, I will focus on that with hopes it will somehow help you. The story is plain and simple. My best friend knew how to overcome this, and so I followed in suit. Here is my best friend’s story:
My best friend is nothing short of Awesome and Amazing. With capital A’s! But there were many people who were jealous of my friend. In fact their jealousy was so great that they hated him and conspired against him. He was arrested for something he didn’t do, and betrayed by one he called a friend. The night before his trial, knowing punishment would be a slow, painful death and that he wasn’t going to win the trial, he knew his only hope was God Himself. So he prayed. Hard. His words were to the affect of “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will but yours be done.” By ‘cup’ he meant the injustice that was about to come to him, but he chose to trust that God knew what He was doing. And God rewarded my friend’s faithfulness by sending an angel to make him stronger so he could endure the tough journey to his Ultimate Joy. My friend prayed so hard that it looked like he was sweating blood! After being up all night, he was tried by people who hated him and found guilty. He was beaten with fists, weapons and nature. He was mocked, spat on, stripped naked and hung where everyone could see him. After a few weather surprises, he was dead after six hours. They were surprised he passed so quickly so they made sure he was dead. You may think that God did not save him like he had prayed for the night earlier, making confidence in God a laughable matter, and for a few days that was how it felt on the earth… but then his body went missing from his grave and he was seen by many people alive and well (and human, I might add, not a ghost)! God had raised him from the dead! If you haven’t already figured who my best friend is, well, it’s Jesus. He had such confidence in God, that he trusted Him to death. Literally. And God rewarded him, but let’s breakdown this story a little bit.
Jesus was willing to leave Heaven (wrap your brain around that one…who wants to LEAVE HEAVEN??) knowing that we, who He loves to death, would hate Him so much that we would put Him to death stretched out and naked for all to see. He’s crazy, you say? I agree! He’s crazy in love with us! Only by love would someone do such a thing! Reread this paragraph if you need to, but really let that sink in.
THEN He goes on to conquer Death (Satan that is, the devil himself) and defy the graves of His children so He could GIVE us even MORE than His own life: eternal life in Heaven reigning with Him as adopted children of God, the heirs of righteousness not because of any great thing we have done, but because of what great thing Jesus did FOR us. For us. He is FOR us. On our side. He was given to us and He is fighting for us. By our side.
SO Jesus is worthy. And His dying for us made us worthy of His life. I am not good enough (I told you I wasn’t) to be worthy of Him, so He did something to make me worthy. Now that’s the One I’m gonna put my confidence in. Jesus is the answer.
Applying this revelation was not easy because the devil lives to kill me. I asked Jesus for help (He is FOR me) because I didn’t know how else to do it. And He is faithful. I found that when I thought about God smiling at me, I didn’t care too much about what anyone else thought. If God is smiling, I must be pleasing Him (or have HIS approval) and He is delighting in me. I have found great comfort and rest in His smiling at me!
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. (1 John 4:18) When I confided my trust in Jesus, He freed me from those fears, which allowed me to be who I was born to be (God’s daughter) and pursue what I was created to do.
True joy is here, but these things can’t be had without some walkin’ and talkin’ with Jesus.  He is the joy-giver. The devil is the joy-stealer with his lies that instill fear into the hearts of people who would otherwise do great things.
The catch 22 is this: Satan embeds these fears into us because he fears us! That’s right: The devil fears US! Since Jesus has defeated him, Jesus can also use believers to destroy the devil’s reign in other people’s lives. Satan has every reason to fear us! But we are more than conquerors! Satan knows we are slow to step out of our comfort zone and into our fear zone so by putting fear in us, he tries to keep us from doing great things. It’s his sneaky little strategy. God uses these fears to make us stronger because when we conquer them we are stronger! And more ready to step into our fear zone again.
So, fear is a lie and perfect love cast out fear. Jesus is love.  I will not be afraid because God is with me and for me. And if my God is with me, why should I fear anyone or anything? When I beat this truth into my brain, I can be confident not in myself, but in the one Who thought me up and then invented me, as He makes me into person I was created to be. I strive to be that person by having little talks with Him. He made me. He knows how to fix me. I don’t. No one knows me better than He does. So I place my confidence in Jesus.
So let’s recap: Where should I put my confidence?
Who will never let me down or hurt me? Who will always take my best interests to heart? Who even loves me that much? Who I can confidently trust at ALL times? I can’t even live up to the expectations I hold for my own self at ALL times! ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.’ (Proverbs 3:5) Jesus really is The Answer. He is.
He is my Rock, my Comforter, my Protector, my Lover, my Savior, my God, my Teacher, my Song, my Healer, my Counselor, my Everything, my All, my Joy-Giver, my Jesus. I am His Joy, His Treasure, His Beloved. And so are you. Yes, YOU! He loves you to death! Will you confide your confidence in Jesus?

“I know Who goes before me
I know Who stands behind
The God of angel armies is always by my side
The One Who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies is always by my side”
~Chris Tomlin, Whom Shall I Fear

Wendy Edsall-Kerwin first discovered her love of jewelry and metals while in art school. After school she wandered away from her hobby until her own wedding brought her back in order to handcraft her jewelry for the big occasion. It took a few more years, moves, and some dedicated class time, but eventually this hobby led her to launch her business ‘Hammerstroke & Fire‘ out of her home in Elizabethtown, Pennsylvania.

While making metal bowls was a deep passion of hers, she found them unsellable, so she took her hammer and began learning foldforming; a technique she now uses for her intricate cuffs and other jewelry. While she works a full time job elsewhere, ‘Hammerstroke & Fire’ has slowly emerged out of her garage thanks to the help of social media outlets like her blog ‘Hammermarks‘ and Twitter as @wtek .

Wendy shared that her love of the hammer helps her to de-stress and unwind. She enjoys creating pieces that you are unlikely to find in major retailers. For ‘Hammerstroke & Fire’, commercialism and high production are not possible, and she prefers “more one of kind pieces” that are difficult to go into a production line. The beauty of the hammer working process are the unique textures and cuts that each piece holds.

Over the holiday season, Wendy launches a special “12 days of Cuffmas” drive to help promote the sales of her cuffs. In return, she donates $10 from each cuff sale to Heifer International towards the purchase of a goat for villages in need. This great promotion has helped her reach out through the Twitter community and ensured her a local sale that she would have not made without the use of social media. Since her promotion, she has noticed an increase in blog traffic and hopes that will soon carry over to her business.

I toured her clean and organized garage that is converted into a fully working studio, and was very intrigued by the numerous hammers, metal, torches, and other machinery that she uses to create her jewelry. Wendy explained that metalworking can become quite pricey with the constantly fluctuating prices of metal, as well as the tools needed to create each piece.

While she admits that it is hard to gauge her increase in sales from the help of social media vs. the influx of the economy, she does feel that her blog and Twitter have allowed her to reach new customers and other artists. Wendy’s unique pieces can be purchased through her website, and information regarding her talent can be found on her blog.

Nearly every year, for as long as I can remember, my friends, family and I have visited Long’s Park Amphitheater in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania for their phenomenal fireworks, music and fun Independence Day celebration. Most families and groups make a grand evening of this memorable event. We bring food, frisbees, kids and pets. Lawn chairs and blankets are strewn all over the grass like a fine patchwork quilt.

The evening begins with a band, typically the local Lancaster Symphony orchestra or a U.S. military band. Around 7 p.m. the large outdoor Amphitheater lights up to the sounds of the classics. Bach, and Beethoven, along with Patriotic favorites, are heard throughout the park and surrounding areas.

As the evening grows darker, and everyone has binged on their favorite foods from Turkey Hill ice cream to Bricker’s french fries, the anticipation grows. We all know what’s coming. The infamous fireworks display that is complimented with none other than our former mayor’s impressive Cannons sounding off to the band playing the ’1812 Overture’.

If you have young children, I do not recommend bringing them with you for these festivities. Between the loud music, cannons, and fireworks, children tend to be scared of the spectacle. However, for us grown kids, the sights and sounds are a true pleasure to behold.

Most years the attendance is several thousand, and we’re all packed into the open lawn theater, sweating from the hot July heat. The cool night breezes accompany the grandeur of the sounds from the band playing. Every year brings a new beauty to behold in the lit sky.

Attending Long’s Park for the annual Independence Day celebration is a tradition for many in this area. We look forward to the packed crowds, yummy fair-style foods, music and grand fireworks to complete the night. Although the traffic coming in and out of the park is always a maze of confusion, it is a fun evening for all.

I recommend getting to the park at least on hour before the band begins playing around 7 p.m. Arriving any later than that, you’re guaranteed to have a parking spot that is quite a distance from where you want to sit. Traffic directors are available, but there is still a lot of confusion when leaving the park. Just pack a bottle of patience, and you’ll be fine.

As lovely as the food is, think about bringing a basket fool of goodies, and a cooler of pop for everyone to enjoy. I’ve gone on several dates to this event, and it always makes for a fun time with a great date!

Long’s Park Independence Day celebrations are by far one of the most exciting venues in the country to attend for July 4th. I hope you will stop by this year, and make it your own tradition, as many have.

Having lived in Lancaster City for most of the past 5 years (plus an additional 1.5 before a brief stint in Montana and living with my parents) I feel I can truly call myself a city gal. That being typed, though, I love nature, the woods, camping, and not having a million dents in my car.

My city living history first started out of intrigue to be somewhere where life was happening, because it just wasn’t happening in Conestoga.  That want slowly progressed to a necessity.  Cheaper living, convenience to work and the places I love, and being located fairly central to my friends and family.  It never remained my number one choice.  I always dreamt of finding a small studio apartment on a nice farm with a vista to enjoy.

As I stepped out of my car last Friday, excited to explore the First Friday festivities later that evening, I beheld a site that is not all that uncommon in the city: dog poop.  A massive one.

I grew up surrounded by 4 farm fields, I am NO stranger to poop.  But something about ‘Poop in the City’ just doesn’t work for me.  Or the sidewalk.  Or the fact it stood stinkingly between my car and my apartment building’s front door.  This is what makes me hate the city.  Inconsideration.  To me, leaving your poop right outside my front door out of laziness, is the same as putting a flaming bag of poo on my front stoop for me to stomp on.  Because I know that some absent minded pedestrian will, in fact, be stepping on that poop at some point in the future.

A few hours later I was in the company of my boyfriend, enjoying the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of First Friday, the local arts crawl, in downtown Lancaster.  I loved it.  I saw people I knew, enjoyed free sampling of food, took in all the crafty people around me.  It was fantastic.  I was again, in love with the city.

Most people probably feel this way about wherever they live.  I know I felt that way when I lived in Montana – missed my family and close friends (hate) but the scenery was breathtaking 24/7 (loved).

I just crossed the 3 year mark at being in the same, tiny, 3 room + a bathroom apartment just 4 blocks from downtown.  I’m near the hub of life for this city but I’m definitely outgrowing it.  No, it’s not outgrowing necessarily, but my needs have changed.  I have outgrown my 20s I guess – coming into myself, my career, my relationship, my friendships, my family – all of these factors create a need for me to step out of this front stoop and onto a grassier platform.

I have no imminent move planned, but sometimes, the city’s vibrancy just doesn’t shine for me like it used to.  It’s changed, and I have changed too.