I feel so raw and hurt and destroyed tonight. I feel like this blog only seems to get my bad days lately. I’m just so exhausted and sick, and my emotions are so overwhelming. I cry and cry and cry, and it just doesn’t end tonight. I finally stop to take a breath, and then the realization of his loss overtakes me and I’m broken again.

God..why? Why?????

I want to have faith and trust, but I am so broken right now. Kevin was my love, my life, my everything, and it’s all gone in an isntant. This disease is so horrifying. It tears apart so many. It shames me to realize the evil it contains and how it destroys others.

I am so overtaken by my grief tonight. I haven’t cried in days, and suddenly, in 1 night, the fear and pain comes rushing in like a wave of terror. Just thinking of his name…it breaks me.

I miss him so much. So much….

Experiencing loss just before the hoiday seasons is never easy. While I had a nice thanksgiving (and as usual ate WAY too much-haha), it was still so hard to experience this holiday without Kev.

I really miss him so much. I haven’t been able to cry for a few days, and that’s frustrating. I know it comes and goes, and I should enjoy my rest from that type of mourning, but it’s still hard to NOT be able to accept not crying. Sometimes I feel like without tears, I’m not mourning him the way I should be, or want to be.

I’m feeling very lonely, despite everyone around me. I know I have such a great support system, and I am so appreciative for them, but it still feels lonely without Kev to share life with. I truly miss just not having him to talk to, to see on certain moments. It feels so lonely to not have him hear to help take care of me while I’m sick now.

Just a sad time of year right now, and being pretty sick with this nasty bronchitis doesn’t help.

The more I clean, the more things I find to remind me of Kevin. Just the simple things…his sunglasses, batteries from his work truck, his old worktruck keys..everything. Today was pretty good-I had a fun time at Ikea with a good friend…but after that, parts of it have been so overwhelming.

More crying and driving..that’s a bad new habit of mine. And now, cleaning, relaxing…just finding more and more of his things are hard. I found the guts to put the rose from the burial, in a vase, with our first christmas together ornament and a picture of his next to his side of the bed. I look at it now, and…wow. It’s a beautiful memorial of him, but I just wish he were here. I miss him so much.

1 month is now past…and I can hardly believe it.

Today is 4 weeks since Kevin’s death. I am so angry and hurt. I hate cancer. I honestly hate it. I want to wage a WAR on it-who’s in?

Today is a tough day. It’s been lots of tough nights since last week and I can’t shake this bitter reality that he’s not coming back.

I’m so alone, but not alone. It just hurts, everywhere. I’m even getting sick because it hurts so badly.

I hate days like this….I hate it more that this cancer took him away from me. How is it that some couples who bicker and argue all the time get 50 + years together, and a couple who loved each other beyond comprehension only got 3 and a half years together? I just don’t understand.

I’m so sad today. Good thing I’ll be with a good friend all day.

…….1 month. I cannot comprehend.

I am anxiously counting down my week until I leave on VACATION. A real, true vacation. While Kevin and I have gotten away to see family, and on weekend trips to the beach, I haven’t had more than a TRUE week vacation since our honeymoon almost 2 years ago. This is much past do-I just wish I was taking this trip with Kev.

This morning I woke up not quite fathoming that Kev is really gone. I just keep replaying in my mind our routine while he was sick..the thing I witnessed, and eventually, watching him pass. It’s a greusome recounting of his last days, over and over, and over. I just can’t seem to release these thoughts. When I think of Kev, I think of these things. This is NOT how I want to remember him, and that’s very frustrating. I WANT desperately to think of the good times, but right now, I just can’t. It stinks.

Last night I got away with my sister, her hubby and my parents to see the Eagles concert in Hershey, Pa. It was superb. Kev would have loved it. Although he was not as big of an Eagles fan, he would have loved the guitar jams. It’s hard to do things like this, without him by my side enjoying it. It’s even harder not to have him to come home to, to tell him about these awesome things I’m seeing and doing. I just want to tell him how my day was, tell him about this or that, and I can’t. I think it in my head, like he’s listening, and tell him, but it’s not the same. I can’t here his reaction or see him smiling at me and my goofyness.

I miss him so much…..It’s like I don’t want to begin this new chapter without him. I don’t! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that either. Who WANTS to begin a new chapter of their life without their best friend and partner. I doubt anyone…

Oh well..I’m moving forward. Finally getting some paperwork done..and guess what. I started writing the novel. 2 pages down. Tears…and snow. I guess more snow is coming, so hopefully that means more pages, and, unfortunately, more tears.

Last night I attended The Table community church. My friend told me was that it was dessert night, and being that I know so many people that go there, I thought it would be a nice way to re-introduce myself back into church again. Since Kevin has been sick, I haven’t been to church. I don’t know where I feel connected anymore, so I’m just exploring right now.

There truly is a purpose for all things. I sat at the table with my close friend, and thought I was about halfway back from the front stage. When I heard talking, I realized I ws DIRECTLY in front of the side podium where the pastor was standing. Whoa.

He began to pray, and prayed for all those going through tragic and difficult circumstances. He had seen me sit down, and prayed specifically for my journey. I was crying, but at the same time, it felt so encouraging. The sermon last night was based on the story called “Epic”. I wasn’t sure how it would go, since I hadn’t been there for the entire series, and I hadn’t read the book. Then the pastor said it was going to be about The Road Ahead, the next journey in life, the next chapter.

If you’ve been following the blog, you’ll know that one of the big questions that I’ve been asking myself, is what’s next. Why? What does the road ahead hold for me???

The entire sermon spoke to me. It helped me realize that even though we don’t know what lies ahead, with our faith in God, we can be as prepared as possible. With faith, God will guide us through the many chapters ahead. We don’t know what our story line will be, but with faith, we can trust God that there IS a plan, and we just don’t know it yet.

I’m scared for my next chapter…I never believed the rest of my life chapters would be without Kev. I still don’t want to believe that they are without him, but again, I don’t have a choice in the matter. The chapter ahead is gonna be a rough one, but I trust in God to lead me.

It’s hard for me to believe that yesterday I awoke to a white world pre-Thanksgiving! I don’t remember the last time that I experienced a thanksgiving week that was so cold, and white. Despite not really being ready for it, it was beautiful to see. It felt like a fresh, clean start, and just so relaxed and peaceful. There is certainly something magical about the first snowfall.

Isn’t the thought that when you have cold hands you have a warm heart? I guess mine is especially warm because my hands are NUMB! Of course, that could also be from expending all my hand energy while being the drummer for my sister & brother in law’s “rock band”. No, not a REAL rock band, the Xbox rock band. That was really fun to play today.

Yesterday was an exciting day for my sister, who turned 30, and a good friend, who turned 25, and earlier this week, another friend celebrated her birthday. So -HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRLS! November is a VERY busy month for my friends and family. If I missed any of you, I’m sorry, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I also want to say thank you to all everyone who has sent messages, cards, donations, etc, etc. I am not good with proper thank you etiquette, so here it is: THANK YOU. It means so much to me that you are giving of yourselves to me, to help through this difficult time. For those whom I haven’t had a chance to be in contact with, please know that I do love you and appreciate your thoughts. Please keep your thoughts and prayers coming, as they are so encouraging to me.

Last night I had a good breakdown. It was a lot of pleading, crying, yelling….something that I needed to do. I dont necessarily say that I’m angry at God. I’m not. But I am just so uncertain of his plan and his direction for my life. I don’t know how I’ll ever begin to process all of this. I am just over 2 days shy of it being a month since Kevin passed. A whole month that I havent gotten to talk to, hug, or just be around my best friend. It’s hitting very hard.

As I type this, the snow is falling again, and I just realized that I am 5 feet away from a boy whom I watched grow up, who lost his father before he even knew him. Tragedy truly is all around, in many different forms, and we all move through our lives so differently. We all deal with this in such unique ways. while grief is overwhelming and insane for ALL of us, for each of us it holds different types of experiences. I need to become more accepting of that, and to realize that I am not the only one grieving. But it’s hard right now because I am so consumed with my grief to really be there for those around me. I hope you all understand and accept that.

I am also just over a week away from my big 2 week VACAY. I am so excited. For those who have lost track, I am heading to San Francisco and Seattle to stay with two great friends. Plus, it’s REALLY REALLY cheap. IMO, cheap vacations are the best, because you can truly enjoy the experience without feeling that insane guilt of spending on such “luxury” items.

In this week of Thanksgiving, I truly ask yourself to surround, accept and hold your loved one close. In so many relationships, rifts happen, hearts break, acceptance lacks. I, for one, see some of my relationships strained right now because of things I am holding against them. The fact is, I don’t know, and none of us know, what the right way to life is. I think, as long as we have some semblance of a moral compass, we at least TRY to make the right decisions for our lives. That’s not to say we don’t screw it up somewhere along the way. Because, trust me, we definitely do that.

But the fact is, if there is love there, if there are relationships on the line, God teaches us to put them before ourselves. It’s so hard to do, and sometimes impossible. The thing is, we can’t forget about others despite the issues we have in our lives. I know life just SUCKS for me right now. I don’t know that there is any other way to put it. It’s rough, and raw, and disappointing, and devastating, and so many other words that don’t contain the pain.

Others feel these things to. Either by similar experiences, or by completely different situations. We are all going through something in our life. If it isn’t now, it just passed, or it’s about to happen. That’s life. Let us not lose sight of what’s around us, despite the internal battles happening inside of us.

Especially this thanksgiving week…..

Well, I found out I’m not crazy. I’m dealing with this normal, and with strength. I was glad to hear this. It was good to just talk about the issues Im facing, the anger and general irritability I’m having and to find out, it’s all ok!

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.

I have been given a life of reflection. I always thought I was reflective upon life before, but certain situations in life cause us to look at things differently, to see a new perspective. I always felt like I had true, life experience. What I had was experience on some parts of life. Now, I have true life experience. It’s not to say that each of our journeys that we walk don’t give us some perspective, but some journeys certain give different people the tools they need to deal with nearly anything/everything. God gave us those tools for a reason, a purpose, most times a purpose beyond our own understanding.

I am a married women who lost her husband. Now a widow. It’s a devastating thing to think about. I have no clue why I’m meant to walk this journey, but I’m being handed bits and pieces along the way that show me, that through my tragedy, I am touching other’s lives. It’s hard for me to comprehend many times. But I am glad that my journey can give others focus and some new direction in their lives.

I am not saying that I necessarily feel it was worth it. I don’t know that any widow feels like it is ever “worht it” to lose their spouse to a purpose and journey that they may never understand. But then again, it all comes down to faith. My faith is hard right now. I plead to God for understanding, for direction, for ANOTHER purpose in life than what I have been handed. But I know that nothing can be changed in the past. The only thing I have now is a past. My future is unknown and completely un-directional. For once in my life, i have fully accepted not having a path or way to go. I no longer have a plan. For me, and those who know me, this is big. Huge, infact.

I can’t imagine the journey I have ahead of me. Do I work full time or part time? When do I REALLY start looking? Where will I live and make my home? How long do I stay living with my parents? How long will I continue to think about Kevin’s death instead of his life? How long will I stay angry at this disease and question God for why? When will this raw, intense pain go away, or will it ever? Is there anything I could have done differently? Why do I blame myself for things beyond my control? Why do I feel so alone despite being surrounded by an amazing God and great friends family? What choices am I going to make in this journey that I will regret later? Why do I feel anger towards what others say despite their good intentions? Where is my heart??????

There are way too many intense questions that I am asking, and too many questions that are being asked of me that are beyond trivial. I don’t want to deal with trivial right now. The legal, the medical, the financial…all these things are so trivial to me right now. They are merely fillers that are distracting from the big purpose that I am addressing right now in life. I don’t want to be asked those questions. Trust me, I wrote down those questions, and I think about them, but they are not the heart of the matter right now. They are not, nor should they ever be!!! (I type this shouting in my head)

Why have we, despite our tragedies, become so involved in the filler and trivial matters of life?? Why can’t we/others see the heart of the matter. The devastation that surrounds our lives…yes, it’s depressing. But for those of us who have been given the give of faith and love, why don’t we share that with the depressive matters of the world more? Why have we become so wrapped up in the filler?

Just a few of my reflective, angry thoughts swirling around. I can’t stop thinking about Kevin’s death. Watching that. It’s destroying me, and I can’t think of anything more right now. It hurts so bad to think about his suffering, his will to live, his determination. I wish I still had that. I wish I had him to push my willpower on, but each day, I feel like I’m losing him a little bit more. I hate that. And so enters grief counseling and exactly WHY I need to go.

It just plain hurts. It just plain sucks. Welcome to the life of a 24 year old widow who lost everything to Angiosarcoma. Where do I start again?

I feel like I am definitely getting the right tools to deal with this grief. I am actually anxious for my grief counseling appt tomorrow. I’ve been talking about it, and around it, but not in depth. Being able to speak to an outside party about everything will be good for me. I am ready to equip myself with the right tools. I don’t know that I will ever have the “right tools”. I feel like we all have different tools in our belt to deal with these things. Right now, friends and writing are so god for me.

It’s still so hard to imagine he’s not here. The pain of that never goes away. It is beyond the point where I think maybe he’s just gone for a while..it’s true, and it hurts deeply. This life without him, this BRAND new life, is so hard to begin. Where and how do I start? I don’t have tools to begin this..I’m hoping to prepare myself with this counseling, with my friends, and with travel and writing and faith. The things that make me happy are these…and I hope that never ends.