It’s hard for me to believe that yesterday I awoke to a white world pre-Thanksgiving! I don’t remember the last time that I experienced a thanksgiving week that was so cold, and white. Despite not really being ready for it, it was beautiful to see. It felt like a fresh, clean start, and just so relaxed and peaceful. There is certainly something magical about the first snowfall.
Isn’t the thought that when you have cold hands you have a warm heart? I guess mine is especially warm because my hands are NUMB! Of course, that could also be from expending all my hand energy while being the drummer for my sister & brother in law’s “rock band”. No, not a REAL rock band, the Xbox rock band. That was really fun to play today.
Yesterday was an exciting day for my sister, who turned 30, and a good friend, who turned 25, and earlier this week, another friend celebrated her birthday. So -HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRLS! November is a VERY busy month for my friends and family. If I missed any of you, I’m sorry, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I also want to say thank you to all everyone who has sent messages, cards, donations, etc, etc. I am not good with proper thank you etiquette, so here it is: THANK YOU. It means so much to me that you are giving of yourselves to me, to help through this difficult time. For those whom I haven’t had a chance to be in contact with, please know that I do love you and appreciate your thoughts. Please keep your thoughts and prayers coming, as they are so encouraging to me.
Last night I had a good breakdown. It was a lot of pleading, crying, yelling….something that I needed to do. I dont necessarily say that I’m angry at God. I’m not. But I am just so uncertain of his plan and his direction for my life. I don’t know how I’ll ever begin to process all of this. I am just over 2 days shy of it being a month since Kevin passed. A whole month that I havent gotten to talk to, hug, or just be around my best friend. It’s hitting very hard.
As I type this, the snow is falling again, and I just realized that I am 5 feet away from a boy whom I watched grow up, who lost his father before he even knew him. Tragedy truly is all around, in many different forms, and we all move through our lives so differently. We all deal with this in such unique ways. while grief is overwhelming and insane for ALL of us, for each of us it holds different types of experiences. I need to become more accepting of that, and to realize that I am not the only one grieving. But it’s hard right now because I am so consumed with my grief to really be there for those around me. I hope you all understand and accept that.
I am also just over a week away from my big 2 week VACAY. I am so excited. For those who have lost track, I am heading to San Francisco and Seattle to stay with two great friends. Plus, it’s REALLY REALLY cheap. IMO, cheap vacations are the best, because you can truly enjoy the experience without feeling that insane guilt of spending on such “luxury” items.
In this week of Thanksgiving, I truly ask yourself to surround, accept and hold your loved one close. In so many relationships, rifts happen, hearts break, acceptance lacks. I, for one, see some of my relationships strained right now because of things I am holding against them. The fact is, I don’t know, and none of us know, what the right way to life is. I think, as long as we have some semblance of a moral compass, we at least TRY to make the right decisions for our lives. That’s not to say we don’t screw it up somewhere along the way. Because, trust me, we definitely do that.
But the fact is, if there is love there, if there are relationships on the line, God teaches us to put them before ourselves. It’s so hard to do, and sometimes impossible. The thing is, we can’t forget about others despite the issues we have in our lives. I know life just SUCKS for me right now. I don’t know that there is any other way to put it. It’s rough, and raw, and disappointing, and devastating, and so many other words that don’t contain the pain.
Others feel these things to. Either by similar experiences, or by completely different situations. We are all going through something in our life. If it isn’t now, it just passed, or it’s about to happen. That’s life. Let us not lose sight of what’s around us, despite the internal battles happening inside of us.
Especially this thanksgiving week…..