Kevin with his cousin's son Matthew in Toronto-Christmas 2007

Santa Kevy

The Boitson Family in Toronto, Christmas 2007

Our First & Last Christmas together being Married..

Kevin after eating too much at Christmas dinner

Up Close & Personal-hahahha

Kevin hiding underneath his Team Canada Jersey-his favorite!

I feel a lot of emotions at this being the first Christmas without Kevin. I feel many emotions that our first Christmas together as a married couple, was also our last. It just doesn’t feel fair or adequate for the feelings we felt throughout our 3+ years together as a couple. I feel like we SHARED so much, in such a short amount of time.

Of course I’m said..disappointed…and a bit devastated. These holidays have been hard for me, and I’ve spent the last week and a half crying almost every day about something. And unfortunately, a lot of it has to do with seeing others in their complete happiness. Shopping together, out with the kids, the excitement of making Christmas plans together as a couple. I’m jealous, darnit. Why shouldn’t I be? I don’t get to do that this year…

I’m blessed in numerous ways, and it is so wonderful to have all my family here (except for Ken, but he sends his love and Christmas wishes) with me. It feels good to be all together, yet I know a huge link of us is missing. That void is still open and raw and terrifying.

I just want to ask for special prayer over the next few days for myself. I feel inadequate to be able to handle Christmas without Kev. I’m scared to, because I know I’m going to break, but I guess that’s ok. Pray for strength, sound mind, and comfort from above. Pray that I can find the beauty in being with the family I have, and to know that the Lord’s plan ahead is perfect. Pray for wisdom and guidance on my steps in life.
Thank you….

..But in the meantime, celebrate! Embrace those you love and PLEASE, under no circumstances, do not forget the Christmas wish. The Christmas Blessing of Baby Jesus. It truly is a miracle. Read the story with your family, your children. Bless those around you with love and support and be patient over these times in our lives. Above all, Love.

Wishing you & yours a truly lovely Christmas and the best of times ahead. Merry Christmas.

I heard this song tonight at LCBC’s christmas service..and for the life of me, I can’t remember the name, but it talks about eternity, life, death, and the beauty of salvation. And I cried..and it was beautiful.

I’m doing ok-I’m looking forward to Linda’s arrival later tomorrow night. She’ll be visiting for a week, so I may not be on here blogging as much as I usually am. I hope to have some FUN TIMES with her and to enjoy the holidays together.

The big announcement: I HAVE A JOB. IT’S OFFICIAL!

In Nov ’06 I took a job doing childcare and other household duties for family friend’s of ours. They had lost their mother/wife/grandmother, who cared for her grandchildren while her daughter worked. She passed from cancer..so just weeks after her passing, I took a job helping them.

I worked there for just under a year..and now…almost a year after leaving that position, I am going back to work taking care of the children again. It’s an unfortunate irony at our situations, but I think it’s a great move on both of our parts. I love the kids, they’re fun, and friendly, and full of energy and ZEST for life. It’s familiar, and comfortable, and it will be a great transition back to the workin world, part time. I don’t know how long I’ll do it for, but for now, it’s a great fit for both of us.

I am also looking into some other part time opportunities to supplement my part time hours doing childcare, and I think I have a possibility at a really great spot as well. God is working awesome things right now, and opening amazing doors.

I haven’t had much time to focus on novel writing, but I am still plugging away, only 6 pages in though . It’s hard to focus and just write. I have to be at a really good spot emotionally to push forward with the memories. It will come in time….

Wishing you all SAFE WONDERFUL travels and a wonderful Christmas holiday. Embrace those around you….and love beyond belief.

I am finding that this past week being home has been really emotional. It’s been hitting me very hard, being home, without Kevin. Last night, while shopping at Target, I almost broke down crying in the middle of the home decorations aisle over nothing. I just wanted to curl up into a bawl, in the middle of the floor, and bawl hysterically. But I made it out…only to do just that in my Jeep. It was difficult. So, I made a pit stop at a close friend’s house on the way home to sob on their shoulders. I’ve been doing a lot of impromptu crying over the past few days.

The holidays are hitting me hard. It’s not that I didn’t expect that to happen, I just hoped I could handle it. But no one can prepare you for the array of emotions you feel spending your first big holidays alone as a widow. And yes, despite all those wonderful people surrounding you, you still feel alone. I don’t know how to describe it, but it’s a miserable, cold, bitter feeling.

I’m so glad that my MIL, Linda, is coming to visit. It’ll be nice to have her to spend some time with, and to be together over the holidays. Please keep Ken in your thoughts and give him a ring over the holidays, as he’ll be back in Winnipeg alone. I think about him often, and how he is dealing, how we’re all dealing. I know I’m not alone in this loss.

I’m just pressing on….pushing forward. One milisecond at a time it feels like…

This is the obituary for former co-worker’s daughter who passed unexpectedly on Tuesday. Please lift the Russoniello’s in your thoughts and prayers….

Elizabeth C. Russoniello

Elizabeth Christina “Liz” Russoniello, 20, of Lancaster, died unexpectedly Tuesday at Lancaster General Hospital. Born in Lancaster, PA, Liz was the daughter of Patrick J. and Janice (Evans) Russoniello.

Liz was a sophomore at Shippensburg University, where she was double majoring in English and Secondary Education. She was employed for three years by Giant at Lancaster Shopping Center as a cashier and checkout coach.

Liz graduated from St. Anne Parochial School in 2003, and was a 2007 graduate of Lancaster Catholic High School, where she was a member of the marching band color guard, and Writers Anonymous.

A member of St. John Neumann Catholic Church, Liz taught Religious Education during the 2006-07 school year.

Liz was a volunteer for Relay for life, Respect Life Group at LCHS, and North Museum. She enjoyed reading and writing. Liz was a generous, sweet, loving person, and was a big help around the home. She put everyone else before herself, and as a result of her being an organ donor, was able to help 5 people through the Gift of Life program. She was very proud that she bought her own car in November 2007.

In addition to her parents, Liz is survived by her brothers and sisters, Becky of Austin, TX, Patrick of Lancaster, Joanie, Frank, Tommy, Margie, Maria, and Sabina, at home, maternal grandparents, Frank and Patricia Evans of Flagtown, NJ, and many aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. She is preceded in death by her paternal grandparents, Michael and Joan Russoniello.

Relatives and friends are respectfully invited to attend the Mass of Christian Burial Monday, December 22, 2008 at 11 AM at St. John Neumann Catholic Church, 601 East Delp Road, Lancaster, PA with Rev. Msgr. Richard Youtz as celebrant. Interment will be in St. Joseph New Catholic Cemetery, Bausman, PA. A viewing will be held Sunday evening from 6 until 8 PM at Charles F. Snyder Jr. Funeral Home and Chapel, Inc., 3110 Lititz Pike, Lititz, PA, and again at the church on Monday morning from 9 until 10:30AM, with the rosary being recited at 10:30 AM. Please omit flowers. Memorial Contributions in Liz’ memory may be made to Dominican Sisters of the Perpetual Rosary, 1834 Lititz Pike, Lancaster, PA 17601. To send an online condolence, please visit www.snyderfuneralhome.com.

I’m back to “life”, whatever I make of it at this point. I’m adjusting to being back East, and I’m actually LOVING the snow. I like it’s freshness and beauty. It’s refreshing. Not to mention, I’m anxious to try out my 4wd in it, but don’t worry, I don’t plan to be ONE OF THOSE 4WD drivers.

The past few days I’ve just been re-adjusting to the East and looking for jobs. I’m applied for a few, and have 1 big prospect. I should have the official decision within a few days, but it looks like it’ll work out perfectly for both parties. I’ll post more when I know more, but I’m pretty excited!

I’m busy getting my last minute Christmas shopping done. I really wish I had more money to donate to causes over the holidays. I know that local food banks are especially feeling the hardest hit this year. There are so many without employment this year, and it’s causes many other headaches in the housing industry. So many people are without a “home”. I encourage you to donate in a loved one’s honor this holiday season, and to make a commitment to donate your time to a cause in the new year.

Whether it’s donating a few hours to Habitat for Humanity, donating time serving at the food bank or a shelter, giving towards ministries and missions, donating to a medical/health cause that is close to your heart…whatever it is. If you dont’ have $, find TIME. We all have a FEW hours (at least) that we waste every week, so please make the most of it. Make a commitment!

I’m super excited about the new year, new slate. I have some commitments that I’m making to take care of my body, soul and mind. I’m going to continue with my counseling, and work on becoming healthy and taking care of myself. Kevin wanted me to get in shape and take care of myself, so this is not only a commitment to myself, but my promise to him.

One day at a time………sometimes 1 minute at a time. I’m pushing through and hoping to survive these holidays….

PS-If you’ve been hesitating getting on contact with me, STOP IT. Pick up the phone. I want to hear from my friends and family who haven’t called in quite a while!

….and here is the story of what has brought me here…

Kevin and I met online just over 3 years ago. I got a mysterious email sent from my old high school personal website that only included a picture. That picture was of Kevin, and after a few emails back and forth, I figured out he didn’t know how to work email, but that he was cute enough to talk to-Ha! Anyways-so began the hours long phone conversations that went well into early morning and caused some very disturbing phone bills (just ask my mom!).

Three weeks into our phone conversations, Kevin’s father passed away abruptly from an angyna attack. It was completely unexpected, and devastating for his family. Kevin held his faith through it, and we bonded even more so through this terrible event. Soon after, we decided it was time for us to finally meet face to face.

In August, Kevin came down to visit for two weeks, and we both admitted it was “love at first site”. The calls continued, and we visited each other as much as possible, although all long distance relationships are extremely difficult.

In April of 2006, Kevin came down to visit me in Montana where I was living at the time (I had moved from Lancaster in February of 2006 to Montana to explore). We were taking a walk along the Bitterroot river downtown, and he got down on one knee and professed his love and commitment to me. We were engaged, and life was roses.

So begins the immigration battle. Over the next 7 months we battled high and low with US immigration to get a K-1 fiance visa for Kevin to move to the states where we could be married. I moved home, as we decided it would be best to make our home in Lancaster. Finally, right around Thanskgiving, we got the best thing to be thankful for: an approval for the visa! Kevin flew to Vancouver over the following weeks to interview, and we were set.

The last week in January of 2007, Kevin and his mom and brother came down to move Kevin in and for our wedding. On February 3, 2007, we were married at New Danville Mennonite Church in Lancaster, Pa. We honeymooned at my parents (primitive-haha-but comfy) hunting cabin in Wellsboro, Pa (northern) and Buffalo, NY. It was cold-did I mention we got married during a record cold week in Pa? That week’s average was around 10 F. Ugh!

During the first 4 months, Kevin was unable to legally work. It was very frustrating and difficult. Finally, in June, he received his working papers, and soon after, his 2 year permanent residency. In August, the position opened with Rohrer’s One Hour, who agreed to hire him on as an apprentice-he was so happy. We had moved to our College Avenue apartment in March and were finally settling into NORMAL married life.

I introduced Kevin to the Atlantic Ocean on Memorial Day weekend of 2007, and he was hooked to ocean life and surf fishing! Ever since, we’ve gotten down to the beach for getaway weekends as much as possible. It’s so relaxing, and so much fun for us.

Over the past year we have enjoyed exploring around the East and just enjoying finally being with each other! We have discovered that we are each other’s perfect fit. We’re a story that wouldn’t have happened, but for the grace of God, and invention of the internet!

At the end of June, 2008 Kevin Boitson, my husband of 1.5 years, developed trouble swallowing. He went to the Dr, who told him it was most likely an inflammation due to acid reflux and prescribed him prevacid. A week later, we left to travel to visit Kevin’s family in Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada.

During our trip in Winnipeg in early July 2008, Kevin’s inability to swallow properly increased immensely, leaving even just water painful to swallow. During our 1 week vacation in Canada, we placed two calls to our home physician who told us not to worry, just visit him when we got home.

We left a day early and arrived home at the end of the first week of July. The following Monday Kevin visited with his physician, who increased his dose of acid reflux medication and switched him to Nexium. He also scheduled Kevin with the gastroenterologist for an endoscopy to look at his esophagus the next week.

The next day, Kevin called me at work to tell me how painful his swallowing had become and that he couldn’t take it anymore. After several phone calls, I left work to take Kevin to the GI dr. at the local health campus. The nurse practitioner at the GI office seemed very concerned while taking notes about Kevin’s symptoms. 30 minutes later, we were sitting down with her and the Dr. discussing all the STAT procedures te GI Dr. wanted Kevin to have done: Chest Xray, CT scan, Endoscopy, blood work, etc.

The next day, Kevin had an emergency endoscopy which showed a mass of about 3 cm growing at the base of esophagus. He told us he was nearly positive it was cancerous, and sent the biopsy to pathology for examination.

While waiting for the biopsy results to return, Kevin was sent for a PET scan to see if any other parts of his bodies showed cancerous/active cells. The following week it was confirmed Kevin had cancer, but pathology was unable to identify his type of cancer. It was decided they would try surgery first, and go from there.

That Friday, July 25th, Kevin and I went to Hershey for an endoscopic ultrasound. The procedure was very painful for Kevin and did not go very well due to lack of sedation. The weekend following, Kevin’s symptoms and pain increased, and by Monday morning the 28th we were in the ER at Lancaster.

Kevin was admitted to the hospital after the ER visit where they told us he most likely had pneumonia and was running a fever. Throughout the next week and a half, Kevin was moved, moved and moved with more and more tests being done. He had another endoscopy done for another biopsy because not only Lancaster, but also Johns Hopkins hospital was unable to determine the type of cancer to then proceed with treatment.

While Kevin was in the hospital, fluids built up in and around his lungs and heart, and they were unsure of the source. Wed, August 6th, we were informed Kevin would be transferred the next day to Johns Hopkins hospital in Baltimore due to the possibly rarity of his tumor.

Thursday, August 7th, due to Kevin’s lack of proper breathing, it was agreed to put him on a ventilator. That afternoon, Kevin was transferred via ambulance to Johns hopkins hospital, after having a chest drain put in, and put on the ventilator.

Early in the morning on August 8th, the surgeon at Johns Hopkins decided that Kevin would most likely need an emergency esophagectomy due to a possible perforation in his esophagus. They hoped at the same time to remove the tumor, but the surgery had very high risks. That evening, around 8pm, when my parents and sister arrived, Kevin was taken into surgery.

We were able to get a medical emergency flight for Kevin’s mom to be here, and we all waited anxiously for about 7 hours until 3 am Saturday morning for the surgery to end. Kevin made it out of surgery, but they were unable to remove the tumor due to it attaching itself to other organs. They did biopsy it again, as they still had not determined the type of tumor.

Kevin remained on the ventilator for almost a week, when they finally took it off, and removed his catheter. The night before he was taken off, it was finally confirmed he has angiosarcoma, a very rare type of tumor that only occurs in 1000 people in the US every year. With the location of Kevin’s tumor, running from the mouth to stomach, his tumor is even more rare.

Kevin was on chemotherapy (taxol) treatment and was doing ok. There is no cure for angiosarcoma, but it does respond well to chemotherapy. Kevin was discharged from Johns Hopkins in early September, and after 3 weeks of freedom, we were back at our local hospital for pain and some possible internal bleeding. After some major complications, and 2 weeks at Lancaster General Hospital we finally made it to Johns Hopkins.

On October 28, 2008, Kevin went to be with his lord and savior and finally allowed his body to rest.

I am now 7 weeks out from Kevin’s passing and am hanging on. I am devastated, but not destroyed. I miss Kevin beyond belief, and am so sad to not be able to share my life with him anymore. Whenever I think of him being gone, I just break. I am so blessed with my strong support system, and if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be here today. I know that.

For whatever reason, God and Kevin have given me a brand new chapter to my life. I don’t want it, but here I am. I hope you’ll continue to follow my journey as I move forward from this terrible loss. Thank you all for your continued support, hope and prayers. I love you all.

Here are a few pictures from back when…

Kissy Kissy while dating, at Winnipeg Beach, Manitoba

Our New Year's Dinner at Assiniboine Park in Winnipeg

At a friend's place in Montana where we had originally hoped to be married...

At our wedding social in Winnipeg

Our Wedding day in Lancaster

More of that GREAT day!

Running into the COLD!

Walking through Downtown Lancaster after the ceremony

Wonderful Reception Kiss

Numb to the bone on our honeymoon at International Falls

Much warmer staying in Buffalo at The Mansion on Delaware during our honeymoon (notice the Buffalo Sabres gear?-GO SABRES!)

Happier times in Baltimore-During a trip to Fell's Point

Our Favorite Place to be-Assateague Island, Md Fishing!

I was up at 4 am this morning to be driven 1.5 hours to the airport to make sure I was there 2 hours ahead for the usual Monday morning flight rush. I am SOOOOO tired. So, I’m hanging out in one of the airport restaurants getting some breakfast, and paying to use their wi-fi. I hate it when they do that….

In other news, my trip has been wonderful, but is now over. Back to reality..to my “life”, and hunkering down to finally, and HOPEFULLY, find a job. The lancasteronline.com want ads look VERY bleak. I am definitely feeling the pain of the unemployed! It’s very slim pickings, so I think I’ll be looking into a temp agency in case nothing else pans out….

I’m very tired today…emotionally, physically. I’m looking forward to sleeping in my OWN bed tonight, and re-adjusting. I’m not looking forward to the reality that is home. This has literally been an escape for me. I’ve talked about Kevin, and thought about him all the time…but being away from my usual environment has given me a nice break. Now, I won’t be able to escape that. *shrugs* And that’s life…

Please keep me in your prayers as tomorrow will be the 7 week mark since Kevin’s passing….every Monday/Tuesday, I am finding VERY difficult getting through it. I’m doing better with each day, but I am finding this journey such a rollercoaster. I’m just exhausted…..

But the vacation was so worth it!

I am titling this blog baby steps, because I think this is my first baby step back to life. It has officially been 5 weeks, 1 day, and 4 hours since Kevin passed. I do not feel good, I do not feel great, I don’t even know what I feel anymore, but I know I am ready to finally begin moving forward in some way.

I’m thinking job, getting healthy, getting on my own two feet, finding some zen, and regaining my faith and communication with God. Some big goals, but all taken in baby steps.

I feel so blessed to be here in California with Deborah and her family. It is inspiring to be with someone from my weight loss support group (www.sparkpeople.com) IN PERSON and to see how we’ve both failed in this area, but how we’re both at a point past the traumas in our lives that we want to move forward.

It feels good to think about moving forward. When I think of Kev, I still am achy, and anxious and destroyed. But I also think of him, and I’m happy. He was amazing and wonderful and inspirational to me. He was the true love of my life-my soulmate, my everything. He made me so happy, and brought so many things into my life that I never would have imagined. And, despite how much I hate it, he has given me a brand new life now. I don’t know that I’m ready to accept that, but I am taking baby steps to move forward in this new life.

I really really really dont’ want this. I cannot stress that enough. I REALLY DO NOT WANT THIS NEW LIFE. But then again, I don’t have a choice in any of this. This decision for Kevin to pass was made long long before any of us were on this earth. I was given a gift of true love, and now I am given the gift of a new life.

So..I’m taking some baby steps. First things first-find some zen, find my soul again….then come home..and find a job.

I am slowly but surely learning that life will go on. The past 24 hours have been extremely difficult. Lots and lots of tears and emotions flooding through. I had a horrible night’s sleep last night after a long cry, but woke feeling better with my cold, thankfully! It allowed me to spend the day with my sister and friends and just enjoy being out of the nest I’ve made here at home while being sick.

I’m still not tip-top, but I am heading in the right direction, thanks to anti-biotics. As for the pain, the anxiety, the horrific bitter taste in my mouth of complete loss? Well-that’s still a LONG way to go.

I’m learning to cry on others, rather than cry alone. It feels better to be held while crying I am learning. I’m also learning that while it’s ok to cry, it’s also ok to move forward to LIVE life and not to be in a cacoon. I never did well in a cacoon, so why should I now?

I’m trying very hard to find a job and line something up for the beginning of the year, however, the job search is not aiding me in this task. For all those dealing with unemployment, it is a bitter struggle right now. This economy is harsh, and the jobs that are available are few and far between. I am hoping that I can at least get in with a temp agency, or I may possibly look into getting on with a geriatric care home that will pay for Certified Nursing Assistant training. Just somethings I’m thinking about.

I really want to get a job, and get back on my own two feet again. I love being close to my family, but having lived on my own for about 5 years, it’s hard to be back with your parents no matter how wonderful, supportive, and not to mention CHEAP it is. I guess I want a bit of my independence back, I just wish it weren’t for this reason.

I really really really miss Kev. I miss so many things about him that I can’t even begin to type them. I miss most of all that I’m going to MISS out on what could have been a long, fruitful life together. However, I know that for God’s plan only, that was not meant to be.

So, after many tears and heartache, I am slowly learning that my life will go on, I will move forward. I will find love again in many different ways, I will find a good job that suits my needs and I will be able to live on my own again in a place I choose. I will write this novel to fulfill the legacy of my amazing husband, I will put on my happy face and do the things I love just as Kevin would have wanted. I will be a blessing and beacon to others walking this lonely path that cancer brings, and I will push forward to promote awareness and donations to sarcoma research and possible prevention. I will lift up those around me, as they have held me up through this mess, and I will stand strong with the ones I love to help them fight the battles that need faught. I am learning that life will go on.

I am also DEEPLY aware of some other struggles…I mentioned previously my Triple J Cancer Squad-that’s what I’m going to officially name them: Jerry with esophogael cancer, Jennifer with Angiosarcoma of the heart, and Julia with Adenosarcoma of the breast.

My Triple J Cancer Squad is struggling. Jerry with complications from MRSA, and being unable to swallow, Jennifer with complications from her open heart surgery and continued chemo treatments, and Julia as she is a new cancer patient entering chemotherapy, masectomy, more chemo, and hopefully NOT radiation.

I want you to lift up my Triple J Cancer Squad. I am a true believer that things come in 3s. My 3 cancer SURVIVORS (and you are all survivors in my book), just all happen to start their names with a J-I think that’s no coincidence. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers CONSTANTLY. I think so much of my journey, and I pray that the Lord brings you the miracles he has in store for all of us.

Please continue to pray for my Triple J Cancer Squad, for myself, for Linda and Ken, for my parents, my siblings, and all of us going through the trials and tribulations that this devastating disease CANCER has brought to our lives.

…and Thank you. Thank you for Keepin’ it Kevin even when I can’t.

After a fitful night of sleep, some good cold/allergy/anti-biotics, a nice shower, and the miracle of Mary Kay cosmetics, I am doing better this morning. It’s amazing how Mary Kay can make you look human again after a night of crying for hours.

I feel emotionally drained this morning, as I usually do after a breakdown. I know I need breakdowns. I know that when I can’t cry for days, the tears and heartache that I feel are going to come rushing out. It’s usually at nighttime when I’m lying down to rest and realize Kev is never going to be next to me again, that the picture in the corner and the dried rose are his memorial, and he is truly, and forever, gone from this earth. When I finally come to my senses, I think of the good times, the great places where we had uber amounts of fun, and the love that we hold, and I continue to hold, for each other.

He is carried in my heart. Right now, it’s hard to see the happiness that is there admist the pain, but it is there. It’s going to take a long long road to get to the solace and understanding. One minute at a time.